Freedom, Strength, Truth

I struggle regularly wondering what freedom really means. I worked so hard through counseling, prayer, journaling and bible study to be free of the bondage of my abuse, yet I find myself enslaved in different ways. I cry out to God wondering if will ever get better. Each day it seems a different struggle. Yesterday it was a battle over control. Control of worry, kids, being right, giving up my independence, work, and my thoughts. Today I struggle with loss. I find myself wallowing in my losses – childhood, family, loved ones, money, independence. I feed into these negative thoughts. I lose sight of God’s reminders of taking EVERY thought captive. I forget His promises are never broken. I cry out, wondering why He forgets me. Then a song came on the radio and God showed me some Truths.

Mandisa Stronger

I have to remember that these trials will make me stronger. I have to hold on to the promise that this world is only temporary. And really, is everything as bad as I have made it? So, instead I go back and think about my complaints I have lodged to the Lord – my Judge.

Control – we all want it, right? I worry about tomorrow and the next and the next. But doesn’t he say not to worry? If He cares for the sparrows, aren’t I more important? Have I ever truly gone without? I can’t control my kids and make them perfect. But really, who can? In reality they aren’t my children to begin with. They are His. I only get to watch over them. So, am I doing a good job? Some days I do, but lately not so much. How would Jesus discipline Ahnika when she lies and doesn’t speak truth? Would He yell at her? Or lovingly reprimand. Would he snap at Caleb because he forgot to fold a basket of clothes? No way. So who made me so special that I can treat HIS children this way?

When God brought George in my life happily ever after was what I thought. He was my savior, my protector, my future. Well now. He does those things sometimes, but what about the times when he yells, or critiques me, or just plain doesn’t live up to MY expectations? How did Jesus treat the disciples when they bickered? He loved them, He served them, He washed their stinky feet (oh boy, you know how I am about feet!). So, why is so hard to do this for my husband? The man who vowed to love me always, no matter what? Did that vow change, or have I been the one to change? When did I get so irritable and bitter? He doesn’t deserve my Negative Ninny attitude anymore than I deserve his Grumpy Gus attitude. He is God’s son well before he was ever my husband. So, shouldn’t I give him the respect he deserves as God’s son?

Independence. Freedom. Chain removal. All words that want to make you raise your fists in victory. But for me, they mean facing loss, my past, hurt, anger, guilt and shame. To be free means to sacrifice. To be independent means there is no one to take care of me – I am fine on my own. But really, that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t fine on my own. I thought I had sacrificed. So, why should I have to continue to sacrifice? Picture a man carrying a lamb up a hill to the temple.  “Is this one pure, lord?” The priest inspects it. “No, bring me another.” The man goes to search for another one. He brings it up the hill again for the Priest to inspect it. “What about this one?” The Priest rejects it. The man continues for hours searching for the pure and spotless lamb. Finally as the sun begins to set, the man comes to the Priest empty-handed with his arms out. “How about this one, this man.” The Priest accepts him and he is led to be sacrificed for the sins of all. Aside from Christ, there were none perfect enough for sacrifice, all are sinners. That includes me. But Christ sacrificed himself for us – all of us. He is the pure and spotless lamb. He was never a slave to sin, but with each lashing, each kick, each hammer blow my sins were lain on Him – and He took it. That is independence, freedom, removal of my chains. My sins hold me in bondage, but His death removed the chains. I am free. It has been hard to face my sins. Who wants to admit they used to party a little too much, or that they lied, stole jewelry, had sex before marriage, did drugs, cheated on tests, held on to hatred, even wished people dead? I have done that and worse, but still He calls me His own, His daughter, His chosen one. My freedom came with a price – Christ’s death on a criminal’s cross.

I complain about the losses I have endured in my life. I lost my childhood when I was abused as a 3^rd and 4^th grader. My innocence was lost. But, I am redeemed through Christ. He has given me a second chance to experience this childhood through my children’s eyes. I have lost family members and loved ones – but only here on earth. They are in heaven awaiting my arrival and to be reunited again. Money? Really, how selfish and self-centered. I have been to Ethiopia and seen poverty yet I complain because we live paycheck to paycheck? Who cares if I can’t wash my car this week or get pizza for dinner. Independence again stares at me in the face. It is hard to be so controlled by another that you have no self left. Kenny did that to me. I lost who I was. I became who he wanted me to be. But, even though I struggle to find who I really am, it is only in Christ that I can ever truly know. He created me in His image, in the secret of my mother’s womb I was formed. I am still that child with wide eyed innocence. And only when I fully give up my control to Christ can I fully find that girl again. I see her coming out every once in awhile. But rather than sharing her with others, I tend to keep her hidden – safe from evil. Only the Lord is my true Protector, Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, Giver, Father. He is the one True thing that will never fail. Lord let this child be free again!

So, as I finish out this week of life, I am reminded that in Christ I am free, loved, cherished, hopeful, innocent, and beautiful. Lord, remind me today, tomorrow and the next when all the sorrow and pain return that only through your boundless grace and mercy can I become the girl I once knew.

Lessons Learned From Lot

,Last week I was sitting through my Domestic Violence group and God reminded me of the story of Lot. Lot’s story can be found in Genesis 13-19. Here is a recap (my version, sorry for any mistakes or misinterpretation).

So Abram and Lot leave Egypt. They both were very wealthy. But, their workers were fighting each other. So, Abram being so wise decided they needed to go their separate ways. Being the great Uncle Abram was, he told Lot to pick where he wanted to live and Abraham would go the opposite way. You Well, Lot chose the beautiful valley of Jordan. Abram went the other way to the valley of Canaan.  At first Lot lived outside of the city walls. He did business when needed with the city people, but he wasn’t “one” of them. He continued this way for a while. Then we read that he moves closer toward the city walls. I don’t know if his wife wanted to be closer, or they wanted a bigger house, or what but they moved. Eventually, over time, they said “forget it” and just moved in to the city. Well the cities were corrupt and full of evil people and deeds. Lust, sex, drugs, all that icky sinful stuff God tells us to avoid and not partake in were prevalent throughout Sodom and Gomorrah. God was sad. He told Abraham he wanted to destroy the cities with fire – to get them off the face of the world.  Abraham pleaded that if he could find righteous people to not destroy the cities. Abraham and God went back and forth over the number of righteous people to find. Finally God said ok. God sent two messengers to warn Lot of the coming fire and for him to escape with his family. They warned him to leave the city. Lot packed up his family and they left. Now, the angels warned them family not to look back, and that darn Lot’s wife did. So, she is now a pillar of salt.

So, what does this have to do with abuse and life, you may ask. Well, it got me thinking. How was I so dumb to continue to allow the abuse to happen and even to stay? I hear people all the time make comments about women in abusive relationships. “Why don’t they just leave? I mean, he is such a jerk.” What they don’t know is how hard it is. It is hard to stay, but it is even harder to leave. They control us financially, verbally, through our jobs, our clothes, our homes, our kids. I was with him for over 8 years and the idea of leaving was rare. You see, my relationship started out just like Lot. In the beginning our relationship was wonderful. We laughed, held hands, trusted and fell in love. Sure, there were “fights”, but he hooked me into believing I was special. I was wanted. I was needed. Then, like Lot, we moved a little closer to those city walls. This is where the abuse started. It is like doing business with evil. You know it is wrong, but once it is complete you move away and tend to forget how hard it was. Kenny was really good at twisting our “disagreements” to make it look like I was at fault. He was very subtle and manipulative in his words. At first, it was very gentle “reprimands” after the initial yelling and hitting. “You know, I love you right? But we need to talk. When you look at another guy I just get so jealous. I love you so much I just can’t bear the thought of you liking someone else.” Ahh, how sweet, I thought. Isn’t that what girls want? Their men they love to be jealous of other men? Of course, over time we moved fully into the city walls. The walls protected me from the outside world’s judgment – it was true because he told me. He kept building up the city wall with his lies and abuse. Pretty soon I lived in a fortress built out of fear, manipulation, shame and guilt. I didn’t trust the world outside of our city. Everyone was out to get me. They wanted to destroy our love. That is what he told me. No one understood us – another lie. I was really convinced if I would work harder on who I was and could be he would love me even more. I really thought that jealousy was a measure of love. That if I messed up one more time he would leave. He was so perfect any girl would want him. I had to keep him – no matter what.  Everyone (well, most everyone) thought he was so sweet and took such good care of me. I always got roses and calls to say how much he loved me. Little did they know the roses followed yelling, abuse, and the hate and anger he poured out on me.

Thankfully, God loves me so much that as I was drawn away from the abuse, whether by choice or not, I did not turn to a pillar of salt. I have looked back, many times. I used to wonder what happened to my perfect life, my “amazing” husband and wonder what I did wrong. But, as God heals me and helps me remove the bricks of my city wall I can look back and see how far I have travelled. I see the city of abuse for what it really is – despair, fear, anger, darkness, dirty, evil, etc. It does not appeal to me anymore. Instead I look ahead to the city of hope, the city of grace, the city of light, the city of love. This is God’s city. It is my stepping stone to heaven. It is where I live now. In my city there is still sorrow and hurt and fear, but God’s presence helps me work through these and remember that they do not control me anymore. God’s city doesn’t have walls to hold me in, but to hold evil out. There is beauty here. A beauty I never could imagine existed. Do you see it? The sunrises, sunsets, a child’s laugh, a friends hug, a husbands embrace. That is my new city. I am free from the bondage that held me for so long. The Spirit moves me to truth, safety, love, and hope.

I hope that you can relate to what I wrote today. It doesn’t have to be abuse that is your Sodom and Gomorrah; it could be drugs, work, husband, wife, anything that keeps you from seeing the Truth in the City of Light and Love. So, my dear friends remember to hold to the Truth of our Savior and to trust that we are all held by His Boundless Grace. Let God lead you to your city and see the beauty that it holds.

Sandra

Held

I love Natalie Grant's song "Held". It reminds me that no matter what is hoping on, He still holds me tightly. It is hard to believe some days, I admit. If God really holds me then how can evil infiltrate? Isnt He supposed to be strong and mighty? Then how do I keep ending up with people who walk over me, yell at me, use me. What will break the cycle? Me, God, others who love me.
It is hard when you are in the middle of the abuse to feel like there is any help. Then when help comes it can be in the form of more abuse, addiction, control and loss of freedom. After Kenny left I chased after him crying "What am I supposed to do without you? Who will take care of me?" I started partying and trying to find "that" got who was the answer to my dreams. I became nothing - scared, alone, worthless. Even though Kenny was gone my life was still the same underneath the surface. No one knew my dark secrets. Who could ever really love this nasty girl. I am unloveable.

In my darkest hour, God reached down and touched my heart. It wasn't love at first sight for Christ and me, instead it was a compromise. Of course, He loves me at first thought. He continued to seek me at all times, pestering me until I gave in. Eventually, I threw up my life praying He would get me through life.

I remember as a kid climbing into my Daddy's lap. I remember life was safe, secure and full of abounding joy. Somehow my life with and after Kenny destroyed my perceptions on reality. It was dark, evil, tainted. I just wanted to stay in my Daddys lap feeling safe.

We do have this option - Christ. Since accepting Him as my Lord and
Savior I can feel Him holding me in His arms. I tell my little girls "When you ate scared remember who holds you." So, next time you are scared, feel His arms holding, carrying, lifting, and protecting you. His arms are strong and can handle it.