Held

I love Natalie Grant's song "Held". It reminds me that no matter what is hoping on, He still holds me tightly. It is hard to believe some days, I admit. If God really holds me then how can evil infiltrate? Isnt He supposed to be strong and mighty? Then how do I keep ending up with people who walk over me, yell at me, use me. What will break the cycle? Me, God, others who love me.
It is hard when you are in the middle of the abuse to feel like there is any help. Then when help comes it can be in the form of more abuse, addiction, control and loss of freedom. After Kenny left I chased after him crying "What am I supposed to do without you? Who will take care of me?" I started partying and trying to find "that" got who was the answer to my dreams. I became nothing - scared, alone, worthless. Even though Kenny was gone my life was still the same underneath the surface. No one knew my dark secrets. Who could ever really love this nasty girl. I am unloveable.

In my darkest hour, God reached down and touched my heart. It wasn't love at first sight for Christ and me, instead it was a compromise. Of course, He loves me at first thought. He continued to seek me at all times, pestering me until I gave in. Eventually, I threw up my life praying He would get me through life.

I remember as a kid climbing into my Daddy's lap. I remember life was safe, secure and full of abounding joy. Somehow my life with and after Kenny destroyed my perceptions on reality. It was dark, evil, tainted. I just wanted to stay in my Daddys lap feeling safe.

We do have this option - Christ. Since accepting Him as my Lord and
Savior I can feel Him holding me in His arms. I tell my little girls "When you ate scared remember who holds you." So, next time you are scared, feel His arms holding, carrying, lifting, and protecting you. His arms are strong and can handle it.