If only I ...

How many times have I said "If only I would have done what he said." or "If only I would have worn my hair the way he liked it." or "If only I would be a better wife, he would never do this." I have been out of my abusive relationship for almost twelve years and yet I still say "If only..." The sad thing is, I know the truth of who I was in the relationship, yet my heart still blames me for what I did "wrong". I still wonder what was so wrong with me that he did all he did, and in the end that he left me for someone else. Oh, if only....

But what if I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to keep him with me? Where would I be today? Would I even be alive? I know mentally I would be dead. I was almost dead when he left. There was only a little bit of hope left in me. It was through that tiny piece of hope that I have been able to overcome my blame game and if only's. I held tightly onto that hope for about ten years. During those ten years I married my amazing, wonderful and Godly husband, I adopted 4 little children, and I became a mother to three older children through the marriage. It was the love of my husband and children that finally forced that hope I held hidden, to be surfaced. I started to face my abuse - not my abuser - but my abuse. I started the healing process relying on myself to "control" my attitude and beliefs. Soon after God revealed Himself to me. He showed me the Truth of who I am in Him. He showed me His presence in my life - my entire life. He was there for every tear, every shiver, every blow, every word. He is still with me as I continue to face the demons and negatives of my past. My abuse is not who I am. That was a lie I used to believe. My abuse is a part of me, a scar on my heart, but it is not all of me. It is an experience I can use to speak deep into the hearts of women. His enduring love for me has shown me all the if only's in the world will NEVER change who I am in Christ. I can't tell Him "If only I sinned less, He would love me more." or "If only I prayed more, He would be present more." These are lies from Satan. Lies used to stop me from following the call of my life.

I have a choice. I had choices in the past. I had the choice to tell someone about my abuse. Really, I did. But, at the time I didn't think I had a choice. I thought no one would ever love me again. I thought I was ugly, unworthy, tainted. I know now that I had the choice to stand up to my abuser and say that I am worthy, I am lovable, and I am wanted! It is through faith that we can choose to overcome our fears. It was easier for me to stay with Kenny than it was to leave him! That was another lie I believed. Eve had a choice when she brought the fruit to her husband. Adam had a choice when he at the fruit. We all have choices to make in life. I chose to live in fear of Kenny for over ten years AFTER he left. Today, with God by my side, I can boldly say that I don't worry about Kenny and I running into each other anytime soon. I know that God will provide safety for me at such time as that happens. I chose not to listen to Kenny's and Satan's lies that if only I was prettier, thinner, nicer, smarter, etc. I would have kept him. I know that his wife now has probably been abused. I feel sad for her. We both were convinced he was "such a good and loving guy".

Ladies out there, hear me on this. God loves you and wants to be your protector. He wants to be your one and only. He doesn't follow any if only's or the blame game. He collects our tears and keeps track of them. Let Him be your shelter, your safety, your Love. Let Him hold you by His Boundless Grace.