,Last week I was sitting through my Domestic Violence group and God reminded me of the story of Lot. Lot’s story can be found in Genesis 13-19. Here is a recap (my version, sorry for any mistakes or misinterpretation).
So Abram and Lot leave Egypt. They both were very wealthy. But, their workers were fighting each other. So, Abram being so wise decided they needed to go their separate ways. Being the great Uncle Abram was, he told Lot to pick where he wanted to live and Abraham would go the opposite way. You Well, Lot chose the beautiful valley of Jordan. Abram went the other way to the valley of Canaan. At first Lot lived outside of the city walls. He did business when needed with the city people, but he wasn’t “one” of them. He continued this way for a while. Then we read that he moves closer toward the city walls. I don’t know if his wife wanted to be closer, or they wanted a bigger house, or what but they moved. Eventually, over time, they said “forget it” and just moved in to the city. Well the cities were corrupt and full of evil people and deeds. Lust, sex, drugs, all that icky sinful stuff God tells us to avoid and not partake in were prevalent throughout Sodom and Gomorrah. God was sad. He told Abraham he wanted to destroy the cities with fire – to get them off the face of the world. Abraham pleaded that if he could find righteous people to not destroy the cities. Abraham and God went back and forth over the number of righteous people to find. Finally God said ok. God sent two messengers to warn Lot of the coming fire and for him to escape with his family. They warned him to leave the city. Lot packed up his family and they left. Now, the angels warned them family not to look back, and that darn Lot’s wife did. So, she is now a pillar of salt.
So, what does this have to do with abuse and life, you may ask. Well, it got me thinking. How was I so dumb to continue to allow the abuse to happen and even to stay? I hear people all the time make comments about women in abusive relationships. “Why don’t they just leave? I mean, he is such a jerk.” What they don’t know is how hard it is. It is hard to stay, but it is even harder to leave. They control us financially, verbally, through our jobs, our clothes, our homes, our kids. I was with him for over 8 years and the idea of leaving was rare. You see, my relationship started out just like Lot. In the beginning our relationship was wonderful. We laughed, held hands, trusted and fell in love. Sure, there were “fights”, but he hooked me into believing I was special. I was wanted. I was needed. Then, like Lot, we moved a little closer to those city walls. This is where the abuse started. It is like doing business with evil. You know it is wrong, but once it is complete you move away and tend to forget how hard it was. Kenny was really good at twisting our “disagreements” to make it look like I was at fault. He was very subtle and manipulative in his words. At first, it was very gentle “reprimands” after the initial yelling and hitting. “You know, I love you right? But we need to talk. When you look at another guy I just get so jealous. I love you so much I just can’t bear the thought of you liking someone else.” Ahh, how sweet, I thought. Isn’t that what girls want? Their men they love to be jealous of other men? Of course, over time we moved fully into the city walls. The walls protected me from the outside world’s judgment – it was true because he told me. He kept building up the city wall with his lies and abuse. Pretty soon I lived in a fortress built out of fear, manipulation, shame and guilt. I didn’t trust the world outside of our city. Everyone was out to get me. They wanted to destroy our love. That is what he told me. No one understood us – another lie. I was really convinced if I would work harder on who I was and could be he would love me even more. I really thought that jealousy was a measure of love. That if I messed up one more time he would leave. He was so perfect any girl would want him. I had to keep him – no matter what. Everyone (well, most everyone) thought he was so sweet and took such good care of me. I always got roses and calls to say how much he loved me. Little did they know the roses followed yelling, abuse, and the hate and anger he poured out on me.
Thankfully, God loves me so much that as I was drawn away from the abuse, whether by choice or not, I did not turn to a pillar of salt. I have looked back, many times. I used to wonder what happened to my perfect life, my “amazing” husband and wonder what I did wrong. But, as God heals me and helps me remove the bricks of my city wall I can look back and see how far I have travelled. I see the city of abuse for what it really is – despair, fear, anger, darkness, dirty, evil, etc. It does not appeal to me anymore. Instead I look ahead to the city of hope, the city of grace, the city of light, the city of love. This is God’s city. It is my stepping stone to heaven. It is where I live now. In my city there is still sorrow and hurt and fear, but God’s presence helps me work through these and remember that they do not control me anymore. God’s city doesn’t have walls to hold me in, but to hold evil out. There is beauty here. A beauty I never could imagine existed. Do you see it? The sunrises, sunsets, a child’s laugh, a friends hug, a husbands embrace. That is my new city. I am free from the bondage that held me for so long. The Spirit moves me to truth, safety, love, and hope.
I hope that you can relate to what I wrote today. It doesn’t have to be abuse that is your Sodom and Gomorrah; it could be drugs, work, husband, wife, anything that keeps you from seeing the Truth in the City of Light and Love. So, my dear friends remember to hold to the Truth of our Savior and to trust that we are all held by His Boundless Grace. Let God lead you to your city and see the beauty that it holds.
Sandra
