Becoming Mary

I grew up as a Martha. You know her - worrying over chores, the house, the children, do I look good enough, does the house look good enough, am I doing everything I can good enough. Being a Martha was a good thing for so many reasons. I learned finances, organization, how to please others, and how to make others feel loved and wanted. I also learned the bad part of Martha lifestyle. I had to have control on every aspect of my life. I controlled my children, my husband, my household, my family and even some of my friends. Yet with all this control, my personal self was out-of-control. I lacked trust in anything or anyone. I trusted in me and my control only. I judged others on how they lived - how they behaved, raised, kids, spent money, etc. I was a stone thrower. Like Martha, I met Jesus. I had dinner with him and deep conversations in him. I learned to trust Him. I just didn't let his love flow through me and out of me in my actions. Over the years I started leaning on Him more. It wasn't Christ and me anymore it became Christ in me. My actions became solely based on His leading. His Spirit in me.

Over the last few weeks God has been reminding me of the story of Mary and Martha. Martha the busy works and helper woman and Mary the prayer and devotion woman. I always felt guilty for being a Martha, until I started to realize I can be both! I love to host people and serve them. But once they arrive at my home I will become Mary and focus on them and devote my time to them. I can do the dishes later that night or even the next day. This also extends to our children.  For so many years I focused on making sure the house was clean, dishes done, and everything was perfect. I missed out on times with my kids. Now I am trying hard to let the dishes go and play games with the kids. Or study my bible. Or relax with my family. Amazingly my stress level has gone way down. I don't overreact as much as I used to. I am starting to rebuild my relationships with the four younger children. My hubby and I are reconnecting.

I am still a work in progress. I just hope that when people see me they see Mary in me. I want people to want to be with me because they feel Jesus in me. I want them to share life with me and trust me. I have a friend that is so patient and kind. She reminds me to be the women Christ has called me to be. I also want to remember to not to lose Martha in me too. They both are Jesus' daughters and we are to learn from them.

So, for now, as I continue to be Mary in today's world, I know that no matter what I am held by boundless Grace.

Honor and freedom

What do you think of when you hear the word honor? I think of my father. He had honor when he fought for America, defended our streets as a policeman, and raised me to be the woman I am. I respect my father. I didn't always like him or his decisions, but I still tried to respect him. When we honor someone, we show them respect.

What about God? Do we honor God with our actions, words, and hearts? Do we recognize all He has done for us? It is so easy to honor God with our lips and our actions, but the fruits we do or do not produce indicated if we fully honor Him. My heart can be withdrawn, yet I can still praise God with my lips.

How easy it is to lose sight of the One who gave us life. How easy it is to lay blame on others and on God, rather than look at our own hearts. Why is it so difficult to let someone else be right? I know so many people who struggle with control. Controlling their spouses, their kids, their family members, co-workers, and God. I have learned from my own experience of addiction to control, that through what I thought was control of my life, I was really out of control.

Today I went for a walk during lunch. For the last year my body has not been in my "control". It has had a mind of its own. This I have no control in how I will feel at any time during the day. I am still mourning this loss. But that is for my other blog. Today I decided that no matter what my body said, I was going to walk. I missed the quiet time by myself thinking, praying, praising and just enjoying the beauty God has given us. I started my walk sad, upset, and down. I cried out to God asking him what to do. I didn't stop the words flowing from my brain. Then I remembered a sermon at church. The pastor reminded us sometimes we just have to shut up and listen. So I did. I shut my mouth up and listened to what God wanted to say.

Oh how freeing that is for me! He showed me how valuable I am. I am a daughter of His. I have his inheritance. No words can take away that love. He reminded me I am no longer bound as a slave to my old ways, my old thoughts, my old fears. I finally saw the truth He has been showing me for years - my worth is not determined by anyone but God. No matter who is mad at me, who doesn't like me, or who judges me for what I believe, I am a wonderful creation of God's. No one can EVER take that from me. No matter where I am or who I face, God sees me as His miraculous and beautify daughter. Nothing will ever change that. I need to honor that love with all my heart.

My life changed today. I no longer look for approval from man but from the one who truly created me. His love holds me up. His shelter protects me from those who want to harm me. His path is the right path to follow. Thank you Jesus for meeting me on a Monday afternoon. I needed the reminder again. I am always Held by His Boundless Grace. Nothing will ever change that.

Sanctification

Last night there was a meeting at my church for helpers, leaders and coordinators. It went through the essentials and non-essentials of belonging to our church. It was such a great reminder of what Jesus promised and desires for us and from us. It energized me to regain back my time with Him. Lately I have been lacking in my alone time with him. I think back to all the bible studies I used to belong to and lead and my relationship with my Savior was so deep. Of course the studies ended, we joined a church closer to home and one we felt was the biblical teacher God placed the desire in our hearts for. He told us to sit back and wait on Him. Wait for our next journey. At times I was impatient I know. I always was doing or serving or leading. It was so new to me! Mostly though, I cherished the time I had to spend with my family, to watch my kids grow, to hang out with my grandson and to build my sisterly relationships I hold so dear!

Now instead of "wait" I hear " GO!" Seek women hurting. Show them God's love and promises. Teach them how to trust   again. Teach them they are not alone. Women have so much being thrown at them. We feel like we are the only burden toting females around. Women are good at hiding their true feelings and believing they are the only ones that feel that way. For the last few years I have learned how wrong this is! All women struggle. We all struggle with self-esteem, worth, desire, love, trust, belonging, and so much more. We wonder if we are wanted and loved by our husbands, needed by our children, and if we have any true friends. These are all lies fed to us by satan! God teaches us we are cherished and loved and beautiful and worthy. Our husbands need us, our children cry out for us and our girlfriends need our friendship. Praise the Lord for these provisions in our life. 

Our pastor talked about sanctification last night. It is something we need to be continuously work on. The last few months have been hard. My body isn't cooperating and I am most days barely hanging on. I finally am seeing the impact this has on my mood and emotions. I am mad at God for having RA. I am mad that doctors can't find a cure. I am ticked that I am so limited to what I can do. Mostly I am sad how I let satan in to my attitude. So right now I am working on allowing God to change my heart. To trust in His provisions. To believe there is rest and peace for me someday. To let go of trying to get everything done I used to be able to. To allow my house to be a mess because that means we live in it. To allow my kids to enjoy life, not wonder what mood I will be in. I am working on expectations again. To not expect so much from everyone especially my children. Mostly to let go of worrying about my future. God is good and I know He has my back. His path is true. He recreates my walking steps. Turns them from mud of fear, envy, anger, etc. to clean with joy, trust, love and restoration. 

I am held by His boundless grace now and forever. 

Silent prayers

“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”

Galatians 5:25

Sometimes life just surprises me. Or I should say God. I was missing my girls (who are still in MT with my parents) and feeling kind of down. I have also been physically struggling again from my rheumatoid arthritis. Just a "blah" mood. Then I checked my email. 

God has blessed us with a trip to Colorado to visit the camp Ahnika went to this year. I was beyond shocked! I never dreamed we could be blessed like this. 

Sometimes it is easy to go on day by day and forget the power we have in Christ. I forgot to search Him out in my sadness and pain. I am shown again how He cares for His children. Scripture says He cares for us. It talks about how He even cares for the birds, so shouldn't we be more important and cared for? He knew what I needed before I did - and He heard my silent prayer of help. Thank you Jesus for your abundant blessings and provisions. 

It feels so good to held in His Boundless Grace. 

Teamwork

I have been working in St. Maries, ID for the last couple of years overseeing a environmental clean-up of creosote impacted soils and river sediment. There are many aspects to this project. Today I watched the installation of a sheet pile enclosure (YouTube it, it is exciting stuff!). To install it there is a 200 ton crane 3 barges, a vibrating massive hammer, tug boats and 8-10 workers. These men amaze me! They have to wear hearing protection because of the equipment noise. So because they can't hear each other they use hand signals. They HAVE to work together perfectly in order to be safe and to get the work done. It doesn't matter if they had a fight, or were tired or problems at home - they show up as a team and work together. It is courageous to me the work they do on open water!

It got me thinking how hard life can be to work as a team. I touched on it about family and home. But being on a team outside of the ones you love can be difficult. Some have difficult co-workers, or micromanaging bosses, or employees who don't show up. When one part of that team fails it can be disastrous to the group. 

The same goes for the body of Christ. Now, we live in a broken world. A world with sin, pain, fear, and darkness. But, when we brothers and sisters work together as a team we heal, bring joy and peace and most importantly light to cast out the darkness. When one of our teammates doesn't show up it leaves a gap. Sometimes it can't be helped so the other members have to fill in. Sometimes we lose a member to the fallen world and we have to reorganize. It is hard to be on a team. We don't want to fail or to have others let us down. But with Christs help we can see past these faults. So what if you don't like how someone prays, or how every group has an over and under talker, or that you don't like doing communion every week or not at all. That's not what the church is meant to be! We have to put aside our differences and serve as a team - Christ's team.

Remember brothers and sisters - we were chosen by God to be His children. For scriptures say:

“But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.”

1 Peter 2:9 NLT

Be His priests to the people. Work together for God! Be His team in everything you do. Remember you are lives and you will always be Held by His Boundless Grace. 

Family Time - One Body

Every Sunday we have family night at our house. We started this years ago as our "big" kids were growing up, getting married and moving out. We wanted to still be able to see them and to have our family together as regularly as possible.  Over the years our family has grown - daughter in laws, grandchildren, family friends and other "children". I love Sundays. It is routine for us now. We get our coffee from Sipz, go worship the Lord, I grocery shop from my meal plan, I work in the yard or swim and make dinner. When everyone makes it over they play basketball, football, swim, and water fights. It is a perfect way to start the week. Summer family nights are the best. 

Tonight after dinner Nick, Caleb and Gio continued working on our wall/edging. They worked together to continue to get it done. Over Memorial Day my older boys redid our shed roof. Whenever we need something they are there for us. I love my family. They fill me with such joy. As I listened to the pounding of the tamper this evening it reminded me of Paul's words to the Corinthians about being one body. 

"But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, "I don't need you." The head can never say to the feet, "I don't need you."

If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part us honored, all parts are glad. 

1 Corinthians 12:18-21, 26

This is how God wanted family to be. As one body. Our daughters have been staying with Grandma and Grandpa Ru. Although I know they are having fun and well loved, our family here isn't whole. Our body is missing parts. My family isn't complete without all my children and grandchildren here. 

The same is true for the body of believers. When one person is missing or sick or lost, the whole body suffers. I know when my rheumatoid arthritis flares up, it isn't just my joints that are affected, but my strength, my concentration, my mind even! That is why it is so important we help each other in time of need. That we become the hands and feet for those who are struggling. God gives us gifts and we need to use them! If you have the gift of serving make some meals for new moms or families enduring loss or sickness. If you are a giver give to the community your time through crafts, reading to the elderly, or walking dogs at scraps. If you have a gift of prayer pray for your friends and tell them you did! If you have a gift of teaching volunteer at your church or a school. It took me a long time to realize my gifts. Sometimes we just need to ask those who are closest to us what they think our gifts are. Trust in God to show you your path. Know that He created the body we are part of. Trust that you are part of the body of Christ. That you are wanted, loved and needed! If you don't feel that you belong to the body of Christ reach out to me or any othe believe. We are all learning what it means to be followers of Him. 

Always remember you will always be Held by His Boundless Grace. 

Home

Home .... What does that mean to us? Some say it is a building where we sleep and eat, some say it is Spokane or Bozeman or West Yellowstone or Ethiopia, others say my heart but for me it is all those places and more! I grew up in Bozeman and moved to Spokane after graduating from college. I vacationed in West Yellowstone my whole life. I adopted four amazing children from Ethiopia. So yes those are all home to me. Home is truly where my heart is. My heart is spread out over all those places. I long to be in Ethiopia with our friends and my children's families. Two of my kids are still in Montana with my parents. I sit in my house loving the sound of rain and the quiet. These are all home. 

I offer another home - our eternal home. Heaven. God created the heavens and earth. Creatures and plants. He created Adam and Eve. He created a longing in us to want to be near Him. Through His promises we have a glorious home! Not a home filled with evil, hunger, hatred, betrayal, hurt, darkness or sadness. A home filled with joy, light, gentleness, trust, peace and love. This is my true home. I live on earth for as long as my time allows. While I am here I want to enjoy the blessings God has given me. I want to be the woman He created - a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. He is so gracious to us. Hold tight to His promises and try not to listen to the world. For this world is only temporary and it is not our true home, but heaven is eternal and our one true home. 

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down, we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God Himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 

So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lorde. For we live by believing and not seeing. Yes we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord." 2nd Corinthians 5:1-2, 6-9

I CAN Do ALL Things ....

M

For the last week I have been in Montana at our family cabin. It is a place I have always known since I was a child. It is joy, comfort, peace, love, home. Whenever we come her we try to visit Yellowatone National Park. We are only 20 min from the west entrance of the park. This year my brother and his family joined our family here. We started out with a buffalo jam followed by the walk at artist paint pots and then stopped for a picnic lunch. It was awesome to see the scenery hang out with my gorgeous husband, my daughters and my niece. A bit later my brother, his wife and their youngest daughter left for Bozeman and Marlowe my niece stayed with us to go to the boiling river. I hadn't swam in the river since elementary school with Christine Planalp on our way to Cooke City. It was so different! What used to be a secret was know on the Internet. The "commercialized" it pretty well by creating pools and areas to sit and enjoy the hot water temperatures. Part of my problem was being barefooted. I was born with many foot deformities and had to handle many surgeries. So as you can imagine sharp rocks we not my friend. I thought I was so smart going down on my bottom until the flow got very fast. I almost took out a few people. Finaly I was able to find a steady spit and enjoy myself. After awhile i knew it was time to go. As I was moving upstream I kept losing my footing. I was tired, scared and at the end of my strength (physically and mentally). At one point I crab walked along the rock weir chanting in my head "I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13. With each time I spoke the words I fell Gods strength. I was so ready to give up!

The same goes for any of us. When else gave I wanted to give in and quit. But then I remember I can do ALL things in Christ. Even being surrounded by non believers and people telling me how I should think and what I believe.  I know the truth is God is the Father and His Son died for the atonement of our sins. We need to turn from our selfish desires and ways and trust God. There is one way, the truth and the light and no one comes to the Father except through Him. 

I pray next time you are in rough waters you will seek truth and trust in the One who sent you. The 

A time for everything

I have learned over the years that when I step out on my own, I lose. I lose my faith, my strength, my peace, my patience, and many days my love. I think I can do this on my own, yet here I am again broken asking God to pick up the pieces. I guess I forgot yet again He has ALWAYS had my back. Even when I was shoved down, put down, lost, searching - He was there. Some days I feel like I need to know I am "safe". Safe from someone who hurt me so deeply. Then I remember I am sheltered under His wings. He is my Rock. My past only defines who I have become, not who I am. I couldn't figure out what was bothering me all week (aside from the cold), until it slapped me in the face. I was obsessing about my past again. I was putting control back in his hands, not God's hands. God's hands are bigger than I can even image. They carried me through the abuse, the yelling, the fear, and the leaving. He was always present in my time of need. He is present here right now with me.

I have an amazingly blessed life now with my past behind me. My amazing husband protects me, defends for me, loves me and is my best friend. I have the best children, daughter in laws and grandson. My family loves me. My friends surround me love, prayer and support. But mostly My God has sustained me and set me apart holy. "I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength!" Phil 4:13.

To those women who are suffering, lean on God. Trust His path is the right path. His is straight and full of light. Keep your eyes on Him, He will never leave you. You are not alone! I am here to help you through your struggles. 

Be forever Held in His Boundless Grace

Open Doors

My life is perfectly ordered. I don't like change, I don't like to step out of the box. For many of you that know me, I prefer to never rearrange anything. I like to keep couches, TVs, beds, dressers etc. in the same spot day after day. Boring I know.

Yet, I am feeling called to change. Not sure what that is yet, but I am praying for clarity. A friend is currently selling their house. It is my dream house. I would love to snatch it up in a heartbeat, but it is double what we could ever afford. It holds everything I have ever wanted - outdoors, acreage, beautiful kitchen, seclusion, peace. Yet it would change us all drastically!

Have you ever been moved to pray for something so crazy you wonder where it came from? I am embarking on a new bible study with my friend. Trusting God is what we are working on. Perfect timing for the decisions, wouldn't you say? I know God wants what is best for me and my family it is the trust part that has me freaked out! To step on the edge of all that is safe freaks me out. Yet I do firmly hold to the knowledge that if I step out for Him and His will I will only fall into His arms - into safety.

Life is uncertain. It can end as quickly as I hit "publish". Lord I want to know that I have done everything in my power to trust and follow You. Lord you have always held my by your boundless grace, please don't stop now!

What is in a Father?

1 John 3:1 - "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Proverbs 20:7 - The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.

We talked last night in our life group about a time in our lives when a huge gap caused us grief. My first thought was when my Daddy went to the Gulf War in the 90s. It was at a critical age for me - those teenage years. It wasn't his choice - he was deployed. Up until then, my brother and I were never away from our parents too often. Sometimes my parents had to leave for their annual 2 week military training, but my dad was pretty present in my life. He worked hard as a policeman, he hunted, he fished, he coached baseball, and he took care of the house. He worked hard to protect and provide for us. So, as you can imagine his leaving for almost 6 months was a huge gap. My mom (bless her heart) had so much to handle. A new puppy, a teenage hormone snotty girl, and young man and a household. I wasn't the best kid in the world. I didn't make the best choices back then, either. We lived in constant fear we would get "that call" he was hurt or lost or dead. We didn't have internet, cell phones, facebook, email, etc. We finally bought an answering machine in case we missed his call. Thankfully he came home. His loss away from me really took a toll and I tried to fill that void with alcohol, drugs, boys, friends, lying, etc. I am not proud of my choices. I was an angry young lady. Looking back, I know I blamed my parents for everything, but as a parent right now, it was not their fault. He was doing what he needed to protect us - to protect me. I didn't realize it at the time, but my Dad would lay his life down for me at any time.  Even today he would.



 Fast forward a few years. I meet this amazing man. I married him. With that marriage came his crazy gigantic family. I came from a small boring family. He has 6 siblings and millions of nieces and nephews. I just had my brother. The best part about his family was I was accepted. No one cared who I was, what I did for a living or what choices I made in the past. They all welcomed me right in. The best part of marrying this man - the father who raised him. I had a great Dad growing up, and now I had another great dad to continue to teach me, love me, and accept me no matter what. My Dad doesn't live near me, but new father-in-law lived mere miles away. Words can't describe this man. He didn't just love, he loved BIG. He spoiled us, he took care of us, he watched over us, he held us afloat, he accepted us. Every year before school started he took all the kids and grandkids for hair cuts and shoe buying. His treat. Every Christmas he bought the kids baby dolls, toy trucks, pajamas, clothes, socks, underwear, cologne and lotion sets, oven mitts, towels, food, and so much more. He donated to any charity he ran across. He gave us plastic cups and pencils at every holiday (yes those plastic cups are still used daily). He used to call us to come "shopping" at his house because he shelves were so full they were going to break. Every Sunday he brought me the Michaels coupon just because I asked for it once. He took us moms out for Mothers Day at Old Country Buffet. He took my kids to McDonalds. My favorite memory was the first time he met his grandkids from Ethiopia. His eyes lit up and were instantly filled with love.  One day that all changed. A brief three years later that light when out when he took his last breath surrounded by all of those who loved him. Not a day goes by that we don't mourn the loss of this man. He fought in Vietnam. He also protected his family and provided for his family. He took care of anyone in need.

I am blessed with two wonderful heroes in my life - my father and my father-in-law. These men are the epitome of what it means to sacrifice for others. They both suffer(ed) from health issues due to the wars the battled in. My father-in-law died because of these issues. My Daddy continues to struggle with his health. Yet, they still continued day to day loving us, providing for us and protecting us. Thank you Daddy and Dad Raskell. Without you, my life would be empty.

These men are just a brief glance at what our Father in Heaven is. God our Father also provides, protects and loves us. He holds us in His arms and rocks us to sleep when we are scared. He provides loved ones to support us, clothing, food, housing. All the needs we need in order to survive. He loves us even when we make bad choices. His love is NEVER failing, NEVER based on performance, NEVER gives up, and NEVER goes away. I may have lost my earthy father-in-law, but I will never lose the Father who created me. I am His masterpiece, designed only by Him. I am built beautiful because of His craftmanship, He has molded me in His hands, transformed me into where I am and Restored my brokenness with His Mercy, Grace, Forgivness and Gentleness. Thank You Father, for your unending Love.

I know many of you did not have good fathers. They were never there, they put conditions on their love, they had high expectations, they abused you, they lied to you, they left you, they abandoned you. Your True Father will NEVER do this. He is waiting for you - patiently and always. Take His hand and let Him lead you to repentance, redemption and restoration.

Thank you Jesus for this reminder today. Help me and my family to work through our loss of our father. Continue to pour out your Boundless Grace to me.

The Waiting....

Have you ever had to wait for something big to happen? Test results, job interview, a doctors call, or of the referral for a baby girl is coming. It can be so hard waiting to see if you are ok, if bills will be paid, if the cancers back, or if the adoption was approved.

On May 1, 2006 we got the call that a little girl was being referred to us for adoption. It was the best day of my life. About a year before, though, we got the call we can never have children of our own natural abilities. Who knew that after years of long suffering we would be blessed four times over with our beautiful Ethiopian children.

How much harder must it have been 2000 years ago when a small band of people gathered together mourning the loss of their Rabbi, their Savior, their Friend. But they didn't really know they were waiting for the resurrection. Imagine the loss of truly believing He was gone. He was their Healer, their Comforter, their King, their Leader. What were they to do now?

So as you wait to find out if your cancer is back, or you passed your math test, or your husband is coming home from overseas, or if your mother will survive, remember there is a promise you can always count on - Christ does rise and He is there again waiting to comfort, heal, hold, love, and be there as His dear children pass from this world. So remember that even if you are waiting - Jesus is waiting right with you and He is excited to share in the wait and the answers with you.

Lord remind me that even though this wait is temporary, your boundless grace will shine through.

Inspection of invasive species

I sit in training today learning about how to inspect boats for invasive species. - mussels, milfoil, etc. it amazes me at how quickly these species can spread!

Isn't it the same with sin? How easy can one lie or sin reproduce until it is out of control and you are covered head to toe in your nastiness? I know that when I start my morning off without God it is so easy to get covered in my sin. It all starts off innocently - just an irritation at my kids. But then by the end of the day I have yelled at kids, been unproductive at work and eaten sugar and fast food. Before I know it I live in my filth of my sin. As hard as I try, I struggle to shake it off.

So, in order to remove invasive species you have to spray them down with hot hot water, scrape them and search in every nook and crevice. If you don't get all of them they will continue to spread and the boats will be covered again.

So when I think about cleaning my sin I get discouraged because it is such a daunting task. But I hold to God's promise that He is with me always leading me an guiding me. So I use His leading to remove each sin from my body and my mind. I spray it, scrub it and sterilize it. It can be a long process but I have to hold strong that I can do it and make it through.

Lord remind me daily to cleanse my sin. Show your endless and boundless grace to me. Lead me to you path.

Strength by God

Tonight I got my third tattoo. I can't believe I actually have three of them! I must admit it is addicting. All day I prayed for strength to get the tattoo. I had second thoughts all day. Deep down I knew I needed to be there. I really felt called there. So as Pauli was getting the script for the letters down God entered that room and spoke through me to his heart.

For the next few hours I shared God's love, promises, hope and most importantly His will in Pauli's life. At what point he asked me if God gave me strength when I needed it. I answered truthfully and with confidence when I said YES! I explained God was there each step of my life. Even when I didn't believe He was there. I know, now, God has always and will forever be with me. I may not feel His presence, but I know He is with me always. I just have to remember that He is there ready and willing to help me and give me strength.

So Lord continue to pour out your Boundless Grace and give me strength each time I need it!

The Rut

I have been in St. Maries, ID for the last couple of weeks. The work I did was smelly, dirty and lonely. Every day as I drove on to the site my Jeep bounced, jostled and moaned over the ruts frozen in the North Idaho tundra. With each bounce it reminded me of of so many other times in my life where I was bouncing through the ruts of life. Sometimes I would get stuck when the ruts were deep and muddy and other times they were frozen and I just bounced through.

At the beginning of my North Idaho journey I was excited to be away from life and enjoy the quiet, watch non-children movies and regroup with God. Towards the end I just wanted to be home with my family. Last night when I got home I received the two biggest hugs ever!

I realized that as I longed for home I also longed for God. I have been in a God rut lately. I know He is there but somedays I just feel so lonely. I wish I could walk through the Garden with God or listen to Jesus preach or feel the Spirit move in me. As I was praying this morning God showed me that He is available for a walk anytime, that all I have to do is open my Bible to hear Christ preach and the Spirit dwells in me. I am not the only one who has ever been in a rut. It is Satan's lies that tell me I am alone. Instead I am surrounded by family and friends who love me for me - good and bad. They are the ones who need to know I am in a rut. They are the ones who will pull me out. Thank you Jesus for sending me people who believe in me and love me for me.

So, next time you are in a rut rememeber you are not alone. You have people around you who love you and want to help you. But, most importantly you have God who is with you each bounce along the way. Allow yourself to feel Christ's boundless grace surround you as you move through life full of ruts.

Hockey is not just a sport, it is a way of life

For my first birthday with the Raskell's we cut the celebration short to go to hockey for Kevin and Nick. The night George proposed we had to get to hockey. For the first seven years it was hockey 24/7. Then the boys graduated. It has been weird not being in the ice rink. So, today as I sit at EWU watching Kevin I realized hockey isn't just a sport it is a way of life.

We haven't been able to afford hockey for four little ones in the last few years. After today I might sell my kidney to be able to get them to play. Maybe next year, right? I wonder what the kids are missing by starting so late. Will they be behind in skills, strength, desire to play? Then I got to thinking, what about Christians? What do non believers miss out on by not "joining the team"? Are they further behind others, do they lack skills, or have to study extra hard to get "caught" up? No way!

The minute someone joins Christ's team, they have all they need - Christ. I think so many people hold back because they feel they need to instantly be "good". If Christianity was all about being good, then I am definitely not good. Just because I gave my life to Christ doesn't mean I don't lie, swear, mismanage money, hold resentments, have addictions, etc. The only difference is who I serve and who I am in relationship with - our Savior. God expects and deserves obedience but that doesn't mean he won't allow me to be in His family.

I encourage you all out there still trying to find Christ, join His team! He won't let you down. Life will always have trials but I would much rather have Christ on my side through them. So, like hockey, God is just not a sport He is a way of life. Go out and believe He will hold you in His boundless grace.

Who am I?

I was just reading an email from a dear friend of mine who was in Ethiopia on a mission trip. While there she visited lepers, AIDS affected communities, schools and church plants. Of course I read this after I spent the morning whining about how my shoulder hurting and how I was frustrated with certain people in my life. As I read her email it was like a knife had been thrust into my heart. What gives me the right to complain or whine about anything? I may be having a flare up of arthritis, but at least I have joints to flare. When did I become a judge of my circumstances as well as of others. Did God decide when he created me that one day I would take over His job? No way!

I am judged a lot by others. I know this. Sometimes their judgements are correct and sometime not so correct. In the times they are not correct I get upset and hurt and I want to lash out at them. Isn't that how God feels? When I judge HIS children don't you think He might get a little defensive. Who am I to question my Creator as to what He Created in me or others? I screw up - a lot. I lie, I cheat, I steal, I have probably committed murder in my mind by hate and vengeance, I defraud God, I do all the things I am not supposed to. But hear this - God pardoned me. He gave me a free pass to freedom. I just have to chose to continue to take it. For a long time my husband and I didn't tithe God's money. We definitely felt the implications of this. After awhile we got the hints. We changed our whole beliefs and spending. We re-started our budget, we follow the budget, and yet we still have fun and have a life. We just do things that dont cost money. Games, movie nights, outdoors, singing, dancing, hanging out. Our little ones love it!

God isn't a killjoy when He asks is to obey. He loves to bless us when we do. We just need to be able to see the blessing for whatever God gives. So today remember who you are - a child of God. A child to be loved and cared for - every day of your life! Remember that you are held by His boundless grace no matter where you come from

It is for.....

So I was going to write a post about the struggles of my life and frustrations of people who are hurtful but instead I feel God telling me to look at them as He sees them. His words were loud and clear to me "Look at who they really are." If I can lay claim to being a daughter of a king doesn't that mean everyone can too? Who am I to say that someone doesn't deserve a crown? I read the bible and it feeds my soul. God's Word tells me who I am in Him. It points to Truth about creation, the womb and constant beauty. It shows me grace when I make mistakes, mercy when I should be punished, restoration when I have been damaged, redemption when I have been wrong, but most importantly, forgiven for it all.

This is true for everyone who believes it and trusts it. It is for the child who disobeys, the wife who controls, the husband who is quick to anger, the parent who is quick to criticize, the co-worker who lives a sinful life, the friend who walks away and the child who is forever damaged. It would be so easy for me to condemn and throw my stones at those who hurt me, betray me and deny me. I want to retaliate and sharpen my sword at them. But God holds me back in his arms reminding me that I deserve the same.

So I ask that you all try to do the same in your lives. Give love, mercy and boundless grace to those around you.

Freedom, Strength, Truth

I struggle regularly wondering what freedom really means. I worked so hard through counseling, prayer, journaling and bible study to be free of the bondage of my abuse, yet I find myself enslaved in different ways. I cry out to God wondering if will ever get better. Each day it seems a different struggle. Yesterday it was a battle over control. Control of worry, kids, being right, giving up my independence, work, and my thoughts. Today I struggle with loss. I find myself wallowing in my losses – childhood, family, loved ones, money, independence. I feed into these negative thoughts. I lose sight of God’s reminders of taking EVERY thought captive. I forget His promises are never broken. I cry out, wondering why He forgets me. Then a song came on the radio and God showed me some Truths.

Mandisa Stronger

I have to remember that these trials will make me stronger. I have to hold on to the promise that this world is only temporary. And really, is everything as bad as I have made it? So, instead I go back and think about my complaints I have lodged to the Lord – my Judge.

Control – we all want it, right? I worry about tomorrow and the next and the next. But doesn’t he say not to worry? If He cares for the sparrows, aren’t I more important? Have I ever truly gone without? I can’t control my kids and make them perfect. But really, who can? In reality they aren’t my children to begin with. They are His. I only get to watch over them. So, am I doing a good job? Some days I do, but lately not so much. How would Jesus discipline Ahnika when she lies and doesn’t speak truth? Would He yell at her? Or lovingly reprimand. Would he snap at Caleb because he forgot to fold a basket of clothes? No way. So who made me so special that I can treat HIS children this way?

When God brought George in my life happily ever after was what I thought. He was my savior, my protector, my future. Well now. He does those things sometimes, but what about the times when he yells, or critiques me, or just plain doesn’t live up to MY expectations? How did Jesus treat the disciples when they bickered? He loved them, He served them, He washed their stinky feet (oh boy, you know how I am about feet!). So, why is so hard to do this for my husband? The man who vowed to love me always, no matter what? Did that vow change, or have I been the one to change? When did I get so irritable and bitter? He doesn’t deserve my Negative Ninny attitude anymore than I deserve his Grumpy Gus attitude. He is God’s son well before he was ever my husband. So, shouldn’t I give him the respect he deserves as God’s son?

Independence. Freedom. Chain removal. All words that want to make you raise your fists in victory. But for me, they mean facing loss, my past, hurt, anger, guilt and shame. To be free means to sacrifice. To be independent means there is no one to take care of me – I am fine on my own. But really, that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t fine on my own. I thought I had sacrificed. So, why should I have to continue to sacrifice? Picture a man carrying a lamb up a hill to the temple.  “Is this one pure, lord?” The priest inspects it. “No, bring me another.” The man goes to search for another one. He brings it up the hill again for the Priest to inspect it. “What about this one?” The Priest rejects it. The man continues for hours searching for the pure and spotless lamb. Finally as the sun begins to set, the man comes to the Priest empty-handed with his arms out. “How about this one, this man.” The Priest accepts him and he is led to be sacrificed for the sins of all. Aside from Christ, there were none perfect enough for sacrifice, all are sinners. That includes me. But Christ sacrificed himself for us – all of us. He is the pure and spotless lamb. He was never a slave to sin, but with each lashing, each kick, each hammer blow my sins were lain on Him – and He took it. That is independence, freedom, removal of my chains. My sins hold me in bondage, but His death removed the chains. I am free. It has been hard to face my sins. Who wants to admit they used to party a little too much, or that they lied, stole jewelry, had sex before marriage, did drugs, cheated on tests, held on to hatred, even wished people dead? I have done that and worse, but still He calls me His own, His daughter, His chosen one. My freedom came with a price – Christ’s death on a criminal’s cross.

I complain about the losses I have endured in my life. I lost my childhood when I was abused as a 3^rd and 4^th grader. My innocence was lost. But, I am redeemed through Christ. He has given me a second chance to experience this childhood through my children’s eyes. I have lost family members and loved ones – but only here on earth. They are in heaven awaiting my arrival and to be reunited again. Money? Really, how selfish and self-centered. I have been to Ethiopia and seen poverty yet I complain because we live paycheck to paycheck? Who cares if I can’t wash my car this week or get pizza for dinner. Independence again stares at me in the face. It is hard to be so controlled by another that you have no self left. Kenny did that to me. I lost who I was. I became who he wanted me to be. But, even though I struggle to find who I really am, it is only in Christ that I can ever truly know. He created me in His image, in the secret of my mother’s womb I was formed. I am still that child with wide eyed innocence. And only when I fully give up my control to Christ can I fully find that girl again. I see her coming out every once in awhile. But rather than sharing her with others, I tend to keep her hidden – safe from evil. Only the Lord is my true Protector, Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, Giver, Father. He is the one True thing that will never fail. Lord let this child be free again!

So, as I finish out this week of life, I am reminded that in Christ I am free, loved, cherished, hopeful, innocent, and beautiful. Lord, remind me today, tomorrow and the next when all the sorrow and pain return that only through your boundless grace and mercy can I become the girl I once knew.

The Jungle

As many of you know, I LOVE Survivor. I have watched it since the first season except seasons 3 and 4. It is the most mindless, dumb, totally unbelievable “reality” show I watch. But, I love seeing who are the villains, the nice guys, the nice girls, the crazies, etc. We live in a world full of them and this show just exemplifies them. This season has been filled with all types. The best part of this season is Matt. He is a Christian who appears to be only there because God called him there and he is willing to stay as long as God allows. From what they show, it even looks like he is converting some of them and encouraging others.

 

Survivor got me thinking about relationships. What if we put into practice what the show encourages – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast? Now, in the real world, this is not a good strategy for friendships, marriages and families. Relationships don’t need a “sole survivor”. But, what about abuse? Isn’t that what being married to an abuser is like? How long can you outwit – you always have to read his mind and anticipate his needs and expectations. Can you outplay him? I became very good at anticipating what Kenny would do in certain situations. In the end I outplayed his game. I had my own rules he didn’t know about. I knew how to set aside money to buy things I needed. I learned the best way to word answers to avoid his anger. Finally, I outlasted him. Now, for the record he left me for his girlfriend back home. But, he continued to keep me dangling until I made the chose to leave for good. He continued to try to manipulate, but over the months it lost its effectiveness. Unfortunately not everyone can outlast. There are many women every year who end up with broken ribs, noses, necks, arms, legs, etc. all at the hands of their abuser. There are women who, like me, are so confused by what he told me and what reality was I was emotionally dead. There are also women who have died at the hand of their abuser. I was steps away, I know that now. His wrath and anger were building. The signs had been there for years. I am so thankful I was able to survive my previous marriage. I don’t know where he is now or if he has changed. I pray the Lord opens his heart and he hears the truth one day. In heaven it will all fade away, but for today I still ask for courage and strength to continue to outlast and to be strong. I have no desire to ever see him or hear from him. Until recently, I was terrified of seeing him. I know now I could tolerate it, but I wouldn’t like it.

 

As I work through my past in counseling, small groups, and domestic violent support group, I am constantly reminded of women who are at different parts of their journey. Many ask my how I survived. Last night in one of my groups, the leader talked about a thick jungle. That is what life is like sometimes. So it got me thinking.  What does my jungle look like? Well, of course I need tools and supplies. I suggest a machete first. This can be used to clear paths, cut firewood, cut food, dig, etc. In life, it can be our protection against the darkness as we travel through the jungle. It opens up a new path – the path we are asked to take by God. I have an old path through my jungle. But this path is beaten down, rocky, thorny, and it leads to despair, shame, guilty, worthlessness, anger, fear, etc. It isn’t very appealing because it is my old path. It is well worn and comfortable. This other un-cleared path is hot, scratchy, dangerous and holds snakes, and other scary creatures. Isn’t that how life is? We have a choice. We can choose to stay on our destructive path or we can follow God in the unknown path KNOWING it is and will be dangerous. But, because it is God’s path I can trust He will help take care of snakes, spiders, etc.

 

In my newly cut path I have faced the Serpent of lies and deception telling me I am not good enough, it is all my fault, I am trash and I am unworthy of love. I have seen death of cherished creatures and I have seen creatures that look like death. I have suffered hunger (for love, safety, stability), cold (from others, loss of work, my family), heat (illness, weariness) and thirst (knowing I don’t belong here). Yet with each THWACK! of the machete I am one step closer to my destination – forever with the Creator, the Healer, the Protector, the Lover, and my Savior. Can’t you see the why we struggle? Isn’t better to work hard and earn the outcome than just have it handed to you? I didn’t want my abuse, but I am thankful God allowed me to endure the pain so that I can see His Glory as I enter His Kingdom.

 

We also need a water bottle. This will help keep us hydrated and functioning. As I worked through my path I noticed I was almost out of water. Since there are no drinking fountains or anything in the jungle, I had only one choice – the Living Water. Yep, Jesus filled my water bottle when I was most thirsty. We also need insect repellent for those pesky bugs that can bite and turn into nasty things. Isn’t that how people are. They speak little lies in our heads and eventually they grow like cancer in our hearts. We also need energy bars. Although Jesus may have fasted for forty days, I don’t think I could cut a path through the jungle and not eat. I notice that when I haven’t eaten, Satan tends to attack more. So consider the energy bars like an energy field keeping Satan away. Finally, we need band-aids. The branches and vines and thorns like to leave a lot of cuts all over our body. I prefer princess or transformer band-aids, but whatever. The nice thing about them is once the wound is healed you can put store it in a travelling garbage sack. All that is left of the wound is a scar. My life has been full of wounds requiring band-aids. Some of the wounds healed and left no mark, while others left some pretty hefty scars. But, just because we have scars doesn’t mean it still hurts. Through Christ our wounds are healed.

 

While I walk through the jungle yielding my sharp object, I do admit I sometimes picture the branches and leaves as the people who have hurt me. As I chop in I think of someone who I thought was a friend that said “Boy she really let herself go” and I cut down that lie. I chop down the teasing I endured. Rather than feel the burn of a backhand or a pull of my hair, I destroy the branch that could do the same. I am realizing it is ok to be angry. It was when I took that anger out on my kids or my family and worst, my husband that my anger wasn’t ok. Instead now I write, I pray, I journal, I clean, and sometimes I draw or come up with visuals to help me work through the pain. I still turn to ice cream and popcorn for comfort instead of healthier alternatives such as prayer, or the bible, or nothing, but I have to remember I have not reached my destination. Just like when Edmund, Lucy, Prince Caspian and Eustace made it to Aslan’s Country, they could not enter. So it is with me, it is not time for me to enter His Kingdom. Only God knows the timing

 

Sometimes I like to look back on my path to see how far I have come. Sometimes I stop and plant flowers and gardens at points that need beauty. I have a garden full of daisies and carnations for my lost childhood, I have a pond stocked with fish with green bean plants nearby to pick for my Grandpa Stanturf, I have tulips and daffodils for my previous marriage, I have lilies for not being able to have biological children, I have raspberries for when I lost my father-in-law, I have wild flowers and butterflies for my children’s birth parents the loss they have suffered, and right now I am building a grove of quacking aspen representing the strength and completion of this part of my journey. I am ready to continue on clearing my path. I know the vines and branches are tangled with conflict in many things right now, but I am ready. My strength has returned and God is forging ahead of me already.

 

So, what does your jungle hold? Are you a survivor, or do you feel like you are constantly getting voted out? My hope is that at you read this you can look back and see the path you used to be on and turn to the one God’s waiting for you on. Pick up your machete and start chopping away! But remember if you get scared call out. Jesus is there, always there. He wants to crown you sole survivor of the jungle of your life.

 

Sandra