Held

I love Natalie Grant's song "Held". It reminds me that no matter what is hoping on, He still holds me tightly. It is hard to believe some days, I admit. If God really holds me then how can evil infiltrate? Isnt He supposed to be strong and mighty? Then how do I keep ending up with people who walk over me, yell at me, use me. What will break the cycle? Me, God, others who love me.
It is hard when you are in the middle of the abuse to feel like there is any help. Then when help comes it can be in the form of more abuse, addiction, control and loss of freedom. After Kenny left I chased after him crying "What am I supposed to do without you? Who will take care of me?" I started partying and trying to find "that" got who was the answer to my dreams. I became nothing - scared, alone, worthless. Even though Kenny was gone my life was still the same underneath the surface. No one knew my dark secrets. Who could ever really love this nasty girl. I am unloveable.

In my darkest hour, God reached down and touched my heart. It wasn't love at first sight for Christ and me, instead it was a compromise. Of course, He loves me at first thought. He continued to seek me at all times, pestering me until I gave in. Eventually, I threw up my life praying He would get me through life.

I remember as a kid climbing into my Daddy's lap. I remember life was safe, secure and full of abounding joy. Somehow my life with and after Kenny destroyed my perceptions on reality. It was dark, evil, tainted. I just wanted to stay in my Daddys lap feeling safe.

We do have this option - Christ. Since accepting Him as my Lord and
Savior I can feel Him holding me in His arms. I tell my little girls "When you ate scared remember who holds you." So, next time you are scared, feel His arms holding, carrying, lifting, and protecting you. His arms are strong and can handle it.

How did it all start?

I recently heard someone say “How did it all start? When did I start to believe this life was ok?” Do you ever wonder that? Here is my story.

 

I met the man of my dreams when I was 15 years old. I picked him out of the yearbook and I told my best friend “That is the guy I want to date!” She asked me if I was sure, and yes I was determined. This has been one of my hang ups for the last few years – I chose him, I chose to let the monster into my life. Through friends and my brother I finally started talking with Kenny. Oh my, he was everything I wanted. He wore wranglers, listened to Country music, and I thought was very handsome. I would love to fill you in about the next few months, but I don’t remember. Not because I am too old now, I just don’t remember a lot of the next 8 years. The first time I remember his attitude just wasn’t quite right was during study hall. I was thirsty and Kenny and I were talking with a friend of his. The friend offered a sip of his coke. So I took a sip. No big deal, right? Once school was out and Kenny and I were heading home I could tell he was mad about something. So, I asked him. “Do you like sharing spit with him?” he spat at me. “What?! I just took a sip of his pop, no big deal.” Smack! He slapped me. I never took sips of others drinks after that. I look back and think, I was appalled at what he did, yet I really thought it wouldn’t happen again. I mean, he said he was sorry and that he overreacted, right? It wouldn’t happen again. But, it did. At first it was in very subtle ways. Comments he would make about my hair, my clothes, my friends. Just enough criticism that I felt I needed to change to keep him. See, I struggled with depression, low esteem, and past sexual abuse. I was broken; I didn’t know what “love” was. Don’t mistake my past, I have two great parents who raised me well and the best they could. I haven’t even told them all of the struggles I had back them. They love me and I know that. But, my past set me up for Kenny. I wanted him to love me, to stay with me, to marry me! By about the 3^rd month, he pressured me into having sex. “If you really love me, then you will give yourself to me. I love you so much, too. I just want to take care of you.” He promised. I was fifteen. I didn’t want to, and I told him I was scared and to wait, but he didn’t. I was fifteen, lost, broken, and a waste.

 

There was no going back. I knew no one would ever want me now. I was tainted, worthless, ugly, and fat. All of these were lies, of course. Lies Satan has continued to tell me for all these years. I remember he used to tell me, “No one will EVER love you like I do.” I heard these words so many times over the next few years. He dictated the clothing I wore – color, size, and type. He only “allowed” me to wear my hair a certain way. I lost my closest friends. They were evil and stupid, he had convinced me. He also accused me of being to close with my brother. I was simply a puppet on a string.

 

The physical abuse only happened for about the first year. After I became submissive, he didn’t need to use force. I obeyed. Instead, the mental games were there. Lying to me. Convincing me I was worthless. I heard things like, “You are so stupid. Shut up. If you get fat, I will leave you. It is none of your business. If you loved me, …” On and on and on I heard and believed these lies. I lived moment by moment of if only’s. When his guilt started in, he would accuse ME of cheating, lying, anything. I couldn’t go anywhere without his permission, so how could I lie? He had many girlfriends on the side. I knew he loved me so I tolerated it. He promised me we would be together forever, happy. I just kept thinking if we would just get married he would change. He would feel more confident in my love. Or if I just loved him MORE, the way he wanted it, life would be ok. Except, it was never about how much I loved him or obeyed him, it was about control, the evil inside him. I did what he wanted, I obeyed his rules. Yet, he still wasn’t satisfied.

 

Finally, after 6 years together, we were engaged. Nothing romantic, just me crying one night wondering if we were ever going to get married. Finally he said, ok, let’s get married. He hadn’t even picked out the ring. I only remember tidbits of the wedding and nothing of the honeymoon. I do remember that after we were married things still didn’t change. He didn’t change. Instead, he received more calls from girls, was gone a lot, and spent a lot of money. The control was worse. Then I got a job in Spokane, WA. I thought this was the answer. It would be the two of us and we would work everything out and live happily ever after. Wrong again. We did ok, until the day I came home and he said he was leaving me. He didn’t know, he just didn’t want to be with me. He went home to his other girlfriend, Heather. Had I not finally filed for divorce in August 1999 I think I would still be married wondering when he was going to come home. For a couple of years, he would still try to control me by calling and saying he tried to commit suicide because of me. For the first time, I realized it was a lie. I didn’t believe him anymore.

 

There you have it, my brief history. My prayer for you as you follow me on this blog is to see the promise of God – the promise He is with us always, He loves us, He protects us, He waits for us, He holds us, and He Restores us. God is the only thing that can transform the broken, scared, unhappy, depressed woman. And He has. My journey has not been easy. I didn’t start confronting these demons of my past until a little more than a year ago – 11 years AFTER the abuse ended. People ask me all the time “Why did you stay?” My answer, “Why would I leave?” I look back over the memories I do have and I see God’s loving and protecting hand present at each part of my sad and broken life. He never left me. He didn’t want me to be abused, broken, scared, fearful of dying. Kenny made really bad choices. He stepped out of God’s will and hurt God’s daughter. I have paid the price for his sin. But, through it all, the relationship I have with God, my husband now, and my closest friends makes every step worthy of pain. I wouldn’t be here, for you to read and grieve and raise your hands saying “Jesus free me! Carry me in your arms!”

 

My life revolves around the Lords. He HOLDS me by BOUNDLESS GRACE.

 

Sandra