As many of you know, I LOVE Survivor. I have watched it since the first season except seasons 3 and 4. It is the most mindless, dumb, totally unbelievable “reality” show I watch. But, I love seeing who are the villains, the nice guys, the nice girls, the crazies, etc. We live in a world full of them and this show just exemplifies them. This season has been filled with all types. The best part of this season is Matt. He is a Christian who appears to be only there because God called him there and he is willing to stay as long as God allows. From what they show, it even looks like he is converting some of them and encouraging others.
Survivor got me thinking about relationships. What if we put into practice what the show encourages – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast? Now, in the real world, this is not a good strategy for friendships, marriages and families. Relationships don’t need a “sole survivor”. But, what about abuse? Isn’t that what being married to an abuser is like? How long can you outwit – you always have to read his mind and anticipate his needs and expectations. Can you outplay him? I became very good at anticipating what Kenny would do in certain situations. In the end I outplayed his game. I had my own rules he didn’t know about. I knew how to set aside money to buy things I needed. I learned the best way to word answers to avoid his anger. Finally, I outlasted him. Now, for the record he left me for his girlfriend back home. But, he continued to keep me dangling until I made the chose to leave for good. He continued to try to manipulate, but over the months it lost its effectiveness. Unfortunately not everyone can outlast. There are many women every year who end up with broken ribs, noses, necks, arms, legs, etc. all at the hands of their abuser. There are women who, like me, are so confused by what he told me and what reality was I was emotionally dead. There are also women who have died at the hand of their abuser. I was steps away, I know that now. His wrath and anger were building. The signs had been there for years. I am so thankful I was able to survive my previous marriage. I don’t know where he is now or if he has changed. I pray the Lord opens his heart and he hears the truth one day. In heaven it will all fade away, but for today I still ask for courage and strength to continue to outlast and to be strong. I have no desire to ever see him or hear from him. Until recently, I was terrified of seeing him. I know now I could tolerate it, but I wouldn’t like it.
As I work through my past in counseling, small groups, and domestic violent support group, I am constantly reminded of women who are at different parts of their journey. Many ask my how I survived. Last night in one of my groups, the leader talked about a thick jungle. That is what life is like sometimes. So it got me thinking. What does my jungle look like? Well, of course I need tools and supplies. I suggest a machete first. This can be used to clear paths, cut firewood, cut food, dig, etc. In life, it can be our protection against the darkness as we travel through the jungle. It opens up a new path – the path we are asked to take by God. I have an old path through my jungle. But this path is beaten down, rocky, thorny, and it leads to despair, shame, guilty, worthlessness, anger, fear, etc. It isn’t very appealing because it is my old path. It is well worn and comfortable. This other un-cleared path is hot, scratchy, dangerous and holds snakes, and other scary creatures. Isn’t that how life is? We have a choice. We can choose to stay on our destructive path or we can follow God in the unknown path KNOWING it is and will be dangerous. But, because it is God’s path I can trust He will help take care of snakes, spiders, etc.
In my newly cut path I have faced the Serpent of lies and deception telling me I am not good enough, it is all my fault, I am trash and I am unworthy of love. I have seen death of cherished creatures and I have seen creatures that look like death. I have suffered hunger (for love, safety, stability), cold (from others, loss of work, my family), heat (illness, weariness) and thirst (knowing I don’t belong here). Yet with each THWACK! of the machete I am one step closer to my destination – forever with the Creator, the Healer, the Protector, the Lover, and my Savior. Can’t you see the why we struggle? Isn’t better to work hard and earn the outcome than just have it handed to you? I didn’t want my abuse, but I am thankful God allowed me to endure the pain so that I can see His Glory as I enter His Kingdom.
We also need a water bottle. This will help keep us hydrated and functioning. As I worked through my path I noticed I was almost out of water. Since there are no drinking fountains or anything in the jungle, I had only one choice – the Living Water. Yep, Jesus filled my water bottle when I was most thirsty. We also need insect repellent for those pesky bugs that can bite and turn into nasty things. Isn’t that how people are. They speak little lies in our heads and eventually they grow like cancer in our hearts. We also need energy bars. Although Jesus may have fasted for forty days, I don’t think I could cut a path through the jungle and not eat. I notice that when I haven’t eaten, Satan tends to attack more. So consider the energy bars like an energy field keeping Satan away. Finally, we need band-aids. The branches and vines and thorns like to leave a lot of cuts all over our body. I prefer princess or transformer band-aids, but whatever. The nice thing about them is once the wound is healed you can put store it in a travelling garbage sack. All that is left of the wound is a scar. My life has been full of wounds requiring band-aids. Some of the wounds healed and left no mark, while others left some pretty hefty scars. But, just because we have scars doesn’t mean it still hurts. Through Christ our wounds are healed.
While I walk through the jungle yielding my sharp object, I do admit I sometimes picture the branches and leaves as the people who have hurt me. As I chop in I think of someone who I thought was a friend that said “Boy she really let herself go” and I cut down that lie. I chop down the teasing I endured. Rather than feel the burn of a backhand or a pull of my hair, I destroy the branch that could do the same. I am realizing it is ok to be angry. It was when I took that anger out on my kids or my family and worst, my husband that my anger wasn’t ok. Instead now I write, I pray, I journal, I clean, and sometimes I draw or come up with visuals to help me work through the pain. I still turn to ice cream and popcorn for comfort instead of healthier alternatives such as prayer, or the bible, or nothing, but I have to remember I have not reached my destination. Just like when Edmund, Lucy, Prince Caspian and Eustace made it to Aslan’s Country, they could not enter. So it is with me, it is not time for me to enter His Kingdom. Only God knows the timing
Sometimes I like to look back on my path to see how far I have come. Sometimes I stop and plant flowers and gardens at points that need beauty. I have a garden full of daisies and carnations for my lost childhood, I have a pond stocked with fish with green bean plants nearby to pick for my Grandpa Stanturf, I have tulips and daffodils for my previous marriage, I have lilies for not being able to have biological children, I have raspberries for when I lost my father-in-law, I have wild flowers and butterflies for my children’s birth parents the loss they have suffered, and right now I am building a grove of quacking aspen representing the strength and completion of this part of my journey. I am ready to continue on clearing my path. I know the vines and branches are tangled with conflict in many things right now, but I am ready. My strength has returned and God is forging ahead of me already.
So, what does your jungle hold? Are you a survivor, or do you feel like you are constantly getting voted out? My hope is that at you read this you can look back and see the path you used to be on and turn to the one God’s waiting for you on. Pick up your machete and start chopping away! But remember if you get scared call out. Jesus is there, always there. He wants to crown you sole survivor of the jungle of your life.
Sandra
