I had a bad dream

My poor baby has been waking up every night from nightmares of monsters. All she ever says is that they are big and scary. I hug and kiss her and tuck her back in. Over and over if I have too. It makes me a little tired after awhile, as you can imagine. But I rejoice knowing I am her mama and she comes to me when she is scared. When I was really little, I did the same with my mom. She would lay with me, hug me, and retuck me in my bed. I felt safe. I knew I was safe with my dad because he was a police man and he took care of “bad things”.

 

Unfortunately I won’t be able to be there for my kids every time they are scared. It is not that I don’t want to be there, but sometimes I won’t be. I try to teach them “Have no fear, Jesus is hear!” and they can cry out to Him for safety and He will give it to them. In some form they understand, but I admit I worry about the day when I can’t be there for them. In some ways I haven’t been there. I wasn’t there when my oldest boys suffered through divorce, alcoholism, abuse, name calling, rejection, abandonment – I just wasn’t part of their lives. I wasn’t there for my little adopted babies when they watched their parents die, when their loved ones sent them away to a “better” life, when the dark people force her. I weep now just thinking of the things ALL my children suffered all because of the broken world. I look at my life and I remember asking God “Where are you? Do you see what he is doing? You don’t care.” I remember wondering if my parents were ever going to know everything I went through. I was so afraid of the things that happened to me when I was so little.

 

I, too, have had nightmares this week. A lot of them. Fear of my father dying, my husband leaving, my friends leaving, and my children disappearing. Every morning I have woken up exhausted and scared. I just wanted to roll bubble wrap around us and order groceries in and never leave. I was going to force safety on us forever – well until the money ran out I guess. But what is fear? Does it change my circumstances? Does it force my ex-husband to never come find me again? Does it keep my husband with me? Or does it protect my child from a predator like I suffered through? No, absolutely not. God is not fear – He is strength and endurance. He is the path to follow – always. He is who created me, molded me and picked me to love on those in my life. I can’t live in fear of losing everything. Didn’t Job do that and he still survived. Didn’t I lose everything once? Doesn’t God tell us we have to lose everything and we will gain everything? He promises we will not be weary or faint, but we will soar like wings on eagles. So today, I hold to the truth of Love, Promise and Trust that the Lord shows us. The same things I teach my children. Do not be afraid, daughter, God is with you always. He only wants you to feel His strength, His presence. He holds us gently when we weep, and He goes before us moving the enemy out of our path. His path is truth and light. So, just as a child cries for its mother in the middle of the night, cry out to your Protector when you are scared and the monsters (hate, shame, guilt, lust, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, addiction, lies, etc) are all around you. He will tuck you back in safely in your room. He will watch over you as you fall back to sleep, knowing and trusting you are safe and held boundless by His Grace.

 

Sandra

A Fish Out Of Water ...

So for Kevin and Mikaya's wedding they gave a person at each table a Beta fish. Of course being the parents of the groom we ended up with extras - well three extras. So, of course each of my little kids picked their own fish. Cool, huh. My cat Hebgen thinks so. If any of you have been to my house you know we are OCD about keeping our doors closed - for a reason my kids have learned. I came home one night after dinner with some friends. We were all sitting down to play a game when Caleb came running out of his room and said "My fish is missing and there is no water!" Malcom and I ran in the room to find one fish tank tipped over empty. We search for the fish, but deep down I think we both believed the fish was is in the kitty. Just as I was consoling Caleb, Malcom said “There it is!” We put it back into water and through a miracle the fish survived. We calculated the fish had been out of the water for well over 45 minutes. Crazy! And yes, you would think that children learn when their fish almost died to keep the door shut, but alas, we had another fish out of water incident with the same fish! And yet another miracle as Caleb’s fish apparently has at least 3 lives.

 

So, it got me thinking, when have I been that fish out of water? When was my life turned upside down and I was forced to survive on my own without my lifeline? My first thought brought me back to when Kenny left me for another woman, and I was left standing wondering, “What next?” I also thought of the time I was left crying in his car wondering what I did wrong when I came home with the wrong colored prom dress (wrong color according to him). Or when I was forced to do things I didn’t want to. That is how it is sometimes as the life of a survivor of abuse. So many times I instantly go to the bad, rather than the good. I forget all the things in my life that were beautiful, right, safe, loving. I forget the people who truly cared for me, teachers who prayed for me, a father who would die for me, and a mother who loved me. Even after he left and the abuse and control was gone immediately, it was never far away mentally. I would try to be that fish out of water with my friends. I would try to be who they wanted or what others wanted. I tried drinking, dating, eating, dieting, starving, gorging, and any other self-destructive behavior. Of course, they never worked. For some reason, these coping behaviors just weren’t keeping me alive. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into depression, addiction, and self-hate.

 

As I write this God is revealing to me my truth behind being a fish out of water. It is not about stepping out of normalcy, or jumping off the band-wagon, or stepping outside of my protective box. No, for me it was about stepping outside of the Living Water offered by Christ. The Water that was there my entire life, I just never saw it or accepted it. I relied on my ex-husband to supply my lifeline. He was supposed to be my survival, not my death. After he left, I relied on friends, family, my new husband, and my children to fulfill the need and desire to survive. But, as I look back over all that I did to survive, I realize I never really did make it or survive. In some ways I did if you count me still alive and most days mentally there. But spiritually I was dead. For years I struggled with control. I tried to control every aspect of my life – our finances, my husband, my children, work, friends, church, you name it I did it. I really thought I was ok. I convinced myself I was moving on. I became a Christian. I volunteered at the church. I was the perfect lady – on the outside. Inside I screamed for the guilt and shame in me to stop. I hated who I was. I told myself I was unlovable, ugly, stupid – all those things that had been pounded into me over the years. Then, things started changing. I started noticing things God was doing, doors that were opening, people that wanted to help me. I started counseling, attending intensive women’s classes; I started sharing about my abuse. I was becoming, well, transparent. Of course, it got worse before I got better. My health went (and still is) going downhill, I gained a lot of weight, my depression worsened, and I became apathetic to everything. But, through the love and support of my husband, my kids, my family and my friends, I persevered through it all. And the most important thing started happening, God continued to knock on my heart and show me what His living water was and what it can and will do. He is the only thing that keeps me going. He reminds me who I am in Him – beautifully, wonderfully made. I don’t need alcohol, or food, or lies, or friends, or kids, or a husband to mold who I was already created to be. I only need Christ – He alone is Life. So, next time I start to allow myself the “luxury” of deciding who I am, I have to remember that even though a fish out of water can survive for a little while, or even a few times, at some point, the fish won’t survive. So, instead, I will seek and stay in the Living Water. The Living Water that holds me in His Boundless Grace.

 

Sandra

Round 1 - Leaving

Years ago when I was still with Kenny, I can remember sitting in my apartment asking myself “Why am I here?  Is this what marriage is about?” The only experience I had with marriage was my parents and my husband’s parents. They both seemed to show love and their fights were not really much. My dad never hit my mom, or called her fat, or threatened to leave her. He never cheated on her, or lied about money, or manipulated her. Sure they had issues, who doesn’t? But underneath it all, there was true love. They get to celebrate their 30^th anniversary this year. Congrats! But, I didn’t feel that way. I remember before we got engaged, I felt like I HAD to marry him. I didn’t deserve anything else. No one would really love me. At least, those were the lies I believed. I was filled with fear – fear of him, fear of being alone, but mostly fear of never being loved again.

 

Was what we had love? In some ways, yes. I loved him with all my heart. I gave up everything for him. In a weird and twisted way, I think he did love me too. Maybe it was the love of the power, the control, the manipulation, but somehow deep down there had to have been love. It was love that kept me there for over seven years. As much as I would question if our relationship was normal, I really don’t think I would have left him. I would have stayed with him, raised any children we may have had and continued to become nothing. Eventually something would probably have changed, either death, or illness, or something, but I don’t think I was strong enough to leave.

 

God knew this. He knew I felt hopeless, like I had no way out. He tried for so many years to get me out of there. He gave me “safe” friends that I could have trusted; he gave me loving parents and a brother who would have stopped at NOTHING to get me out of there. But ultimately, I chose to stay. Till death do us part. Thankfully it didn’t come to that. Instead, God opened the door for me in a sad way. I didn’t choose, at first, to end our marriage. He left me. For another girlfriend. He had many girlfriends throughout our relationship. Apparently this one was more important than all the others. I was devastated. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do or how to cope with this “emptiness” in my life. I begged him to come back. I drove 6 hours every weekend hoping he would change his mind. Looking back I see how pathetic I had become. He kept me going with his “I don’t know what I want” for months. The life of the victim of domestic violence is hard to break. From an outside perspective most people would say how “easy” it was to break it off. But to me it was harder to deal with than the abuse. I had become who he created and my “master” wasn’t there to direct me anymore.

 

Finally, God showed me the second open door – pathways. I had two choices at the next door. The path that lead to the continued fear and darkness, or a new path of light, promise and hope. I started on the path of darkness, because that is what I knew. I drove around one night looking for his car. Finally at 3 am I saw it at her house. It was at that point I back tracked and started on the path to the light. Once I got back home, I contacted a lawyer and started the process of divorce. This was the wisest choice I had made in years.

 

The process of divorce was difficult. Who wants to leave someone they loved for so long? But, for the first time I really believed that I had choices. I have always had choices. Unfortunately, he was really good at disguising my freedom to choose. Through Christ’s redemption and restoration I have taken back my freedom. Christ reminds me from time to time that I still am free to choose. Some days I fall back and become scared again, afraid I will lose everything and become alone again. But, I have to remind myself those are just lies from the devil. God frees us from these worries and these fears. Trials and problems will still arise, but He is there always for us. God held my hand and led me down the path of freedom. Sometimes he had to carry me, but He is there every step of the way. I encourage women, and men, if you are in an abusive relationship look to God for His leading. You have the choice to leave. There are many safe places for you to go if you don’t know of anywhere else. No matter what your abuser says, it is not your fault, you don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve freedom, joy and love. Not control, prison and hate. Let God open doors for you. Contact a local women’s shelter. If you are in the Washington/Oregon/Idaho area, contact A.R.M.S. at www.armsonline.org. They are a great resource and help for women and men struggling through abuse. You can win Round 1. Remember you are held by the One who created you – held in His boundless grace.

 

Sandra

 

A fly on the wall - Revenge

Who wants revenge on someone who hurt them? How many of you plot out in your head what you would do if you could punish someone who has hurt you or your family? This isn’t a trick question, but one that we don’t bring up that often. For the last twelve years I have thought of many acts of revenge I could give back to my ex-husband. Some secret punishment where no one would know it was me. Some of them, I must admit, were not so pretty punishments. I mean, really, he hurt me. So, I am going to hurt him. I won’t go into details about all the horrific ways I wanted to gain revenge on this monster. He ruined me, my life, my future, and yet he walks away with his next victim as if nothing happened. There was no trial to convict him of the crimes he committed against me. There was no police man who felt sorry for me and fought for justice. No, just me wondering what had happened to me. What was I to do next? He continued to blame me for all his problems. As time went on and I created my “happy” life, there were days I just wish he could be a fly on my wall and see how “happy” I was and that I was fine without him. Or I wish I could be a fly on his wall and see how miserable he is and how bad his marriage is and that he still did the same things to her he did to me. But, that was all a lie. I was miserable. I was full of fear, hate, shame, guilt. Every time I went back to Montana I was afraid I would see him. I began to be afraid to go anywhere even in Washington. I would see him everywhere I went. I do feel bad for his wife now. I wouldn’t want him to hurt her the way he hurt me, yet I questioned if the abuse and control really was my entire fault. Would she be better at following his rules or being the perfect wife? Or was I just stupid because I couldn’t keep him? All the lies Satan convinced me of became my new abuser. I lived this way for so long until God showed me the truth.

 

What does God say about revenge? He sought vengeance on the people who walked a way from Him. Places like Sodom and Gomorrah, people like Saul, Judas, Joseph’s brothers, and Pharaoh with the plagues. Funny thing about those destructions, they were due to acts of rebellion again God. It was God’s judgment for the people, not our own. If God wanted humans to react to events in this way, he would have to command us to do this. Instead he tells us that revenge is his alone. Wasn’t the abuse given to me by Kenny against God? Did Kenny treat God’s daughter as Christ shows his love to the church? No, not at all. I was a possession, used for entertainment and fulfilling his needs. So, who did Kenny go against? Me or God? Most definitely GOD! As I have worked through this healing process, I am learning that God’s disciplines are far greater than anything my weak human mind could come up with. I continue to go to God and His word when the darkness of revenge fills up my heart.

 

I know God created me to be who I am. I may not be skinny, Brooke Shields beautiful, athletic, blonde, rich, or the life of the party, but I am God’s daughter. I was created in their (God the Father, God the Son and God the Spirit) image. Unfortunately for me, so was Kenny. Now, over time my body is not what God created whether because of choice or outside influences, but that doesn’t mean I lose my title of princess. But, what about Kenny? With every word thrown at me, every slap, every rule given did God’s love diminish for him? Absolutely not! That is the beauty of His love is that it never leaves no matter what we do or have done. It does not mean there are not consequences but ultimately if we accept Jesus as our Savior, and believe He is the Son of the living God, then nothing can separate us from His eternity – heaven, His love. Of course, that Truth has caused many years of anger, bitterness, fear, and hatred. I would ask God, “How can someone so evil still be loved by your? How can he still have a chance at joy in heaven when he robbed me of any joy on earth?” It just didn’t seem fair. But what about me? How many times have I thought bad about someone, or called someone names, or treated people badly? Am I any different some days to the abuse I endured all those years?

 

God’s love and salvation does not mean what Kenny did was ok or that I should be fine and just move on. It just means that God has something bigger for me, for him, for you. He wants me to be back with Him where I belong. He wants Kenny to come to Him, leaving behind the evils and darkness in his heart. For all I know he has done this. I doubt I will ever know this side of heaven. On many occasions, I do pray for his salvation. Some days are easier than others. But God has softened my heart towards him and he has shown me that he was and is broken. We are all broken and separated from God. This is not our home, we belong in heaven and our hearts and minds know it. So, today I ask you to search God’s love to find a way to let go of revenge. To allow God’s arms to hold you and you work through giving up the revenge. His Grace is boundless and He wants you to follow Him and His examples of love. Some of you may not be ready for this, and that is ok. Ask God to continue to be with you as you continue your journey through healing and on to freedom in Christ. Look for things in your life God has placed there specifically for you. You never know, some day you may be sharing your testimony of grace with someone else!

 

Sandra

 

If only I ...

How many times have I said "If only I would have done what he said." or "If only I would have worn my hair the way he liked it." or "If only I would be a better wife, he would never do this." I have been out of my abusive relationship for almost twelve years and yet I still say "If only..." The sad thing is, I know the truth of who I was in the relationship, yet my heart still blames me for what I did "wrong". I still wonder what was so wrong with me that he did all he did, and in the end that he left me for someone else. Oh, if only....

But what if I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to keep him with me? Where would I be today? Would I even be alive? I know mentally I would be dead. I was almost dead when he left. There was only a little bit of hope left in me. It was through that tiny piece of hope that I have been able to overcome my blame game and if only's. I held tightly onto that hope for about ten years. During those ten years I married my amazing, wonderful and Godly husband, I adopted 4 little children, and I became a mother to three older children through the marriage. It was the love of my husband and children that finally forced that hope I held hidden, to be surfaced. I started to face my abuse - not my abuser - but my abuse. I started the healing process relying on myself to "control" my attitude and beliefs. Soon after God revealed Himself to me. He showed me the Truth of who I am in Him. He showed me His presence in my life - my entire life. He was there for every tear, every shiver, every blow, every word. He is still with me as I continue to face the demons and negatives of my past. My abuse is not who I am. That was a lie I used to believe. My abuse is a part of me, a scar on my heart, but it is not all of me. It is an experience I can use to speak deep into the hearts of women. His enduring love for me has shown me all the if only's in the world will NEVER change who I am in Christ. I can't tell Him "If only I sinned less, He would love me more." or "If only I prayed more, He would be present more." These are lies from Satan. Lies used to stop me from following the call of my life.

I have a choice. I had choices in the past. I had the choice to tell someone about my abuse. Really, I did. But, at the time I didn't think I had a choice. I thought no one would ever love me again. I thought I was ugly, unworthy, tainted. I know now that I had the choice to stand up to my abuser and say that I am worthy, I am lovable, and I am wanted! It is through faith that we can choose to overcome our fears. It was easier for me to stay with Kenny than it was to leave him! That was another lie I believed. Eve had a choice when she brought the fruit to her husband. Adam had a choice when he at the fruit. We all have choices to make in life. I chose to live in fear of Kenny for over ten years AFTER he left. Today, with God by my side, I can boldly say that I don't worry about Kenny and I running into each other anytime soon. I know that God will provide safety for me at such time as that happens. I chose not to listen to Kenny's and Satan's lies that if only I was prettier, thinner, nicer, smarter, etc. I would have kept him. I know that his wife now has probably been abused. I feel sad for her. We both were convinced he was "such a good and loving guy".

Ladies out there, hear me on this. God loves you and wants to be your protector. He wants to be your one and only. He doesn't follow any if only's or the blame game. He collects our tears and keeps track of them. Let Him be your shelter, your safety, your Love. Let Him hold you by His Boundless Grace.