A Fish Out Of Water ...

So for Kevin and Mikaya's wedding they gave a person at each table a Beta fish. Of course being the parents of the groom we ended up with extras - well three extras. So, of course each of my little kids picked their own fish. Cool, huh. My cat Hebgen thinks so. If any of you have been to my house you know we are OCD about keeping our doors closed - for a reason my kids have learned. I came home one night after dinner with some friends. We were all sitting down to play a game when Caleb came running out of his room and said "My fish is missing and there is no water!" Malcom and I ran in the room to find one fish tank tipped over empty. We search for the fish, but deep down I think we both believed the fish was is in the kitty. Just as I was consoling Caleb, Malcom said “There it is!” We put it back into water and through a miracle the fish survived. We calculated the fish had been out of the water for well over 45 minutes. Crazy! And yes, you would think that children learn when their fish almost died to keep the door shut, but alas, we had another fish out of water incident with the same fish! And yet another miracle as Caleb’s fish apparently has at least 3 lives.

 

So, it got me thinking, when have I been that fish out of water? When was my life turned upside down and I was forced to survive on my own without my lifeline? My first thought brought me back to when Kenny left me for another woman, and I was left standing wondering, “What next?” I also thought of the time I was left crying in his car wondering what I did wrong when I came home with the wrong colored prom dress (wrong color according to him). Or when I was forced to do things I didn’t want to. That is how it is sometimes as the life of a survivor of abuse. So many times I instantly go to the bad, rather than the good. I forget all the things in my life that were beautiful, right, safe, loving. I forget the people who truly cared for me, teachers who prayed for me, a father who would die for me, and a mother who loved me. Even after he left and the abuse and control was gone immediately, it was never far away mentally. I would try to be that fish out of water with my friends. I would try to be who they wanted or what others wanted. I tried drinking, dating, eating, dieting, starving, gorging, and any other self-destructive behavior. Of course, they never worked. For some reason, these coping behaviors just weren’t keeping me alive. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into depression, addiction, and self-hate.

 

As I write this God is revealing to me my truth behind being a fish out of water. It is not about stepping out of normalcy, or jumping off the band-wagon, or stepping outside of my protective box. No, for me it was about stepping outside of the Living Water offered by Christ. The Water that was there my entire life, I just never saw it or accepted it. I relied on my ex-husband to supply my lifeline. He was supposed to be my survival, not my death. After he left, I relied on friends, family, my new husband, and my children to fulfill the need and desire to survive. But, as I look back over all that I did to survive, I realize I never really did make it or survive. In some ways I did if you count me still alive and most days mentally there. But spiritually I was dead. For years I struggled with control. I tried to control every aspect of my life – our finances, my husband, my children, work, friends, church, you name it I did it. I really thought I was ok. I convinced myself I was moving on. I became a Christian. I volunteered at the church. I was the perfect lady – on the outside. Inside I screamed for the guilt and shame in me to stop. I hated who I was. I told myself I was unlovable, ugly, stupid – all those things that had been pounded into me over the years. Then, things started changing. I started noticing things God was doing, doors that were opening, people that wanted to help me. I started counseling, attending intensive women’s classes; I started sharing about my abuse. I was becoming, well, transparent. Of course, it got worse before I got better. My health went (and still is) going downhill, I gained a lot of weight, my depression worsened, and I became apathetic to everything. But, through the love and support of my husband, my kids, my family and my friends, I persevered through it all. And the most important thing started happening, God continued to knock on my heart and show me what His living water was and what it can and will do. He is the only thing that keeps me going. He reminds me who I am in Him – beautifully, wonderfully made. I don’t need alcohol, or food, or lies, or friends, or kids, or a husband to mold who I was already created to be. I only need Christ – He alone is Life. So, next time I start to allow myself the “luxury” of deciding who I am, I have to remember that even though a fish out of water can survive for a little while, or even a few times, at some point, the fish won’t survive. So, instead, I will seek and stay in the Living Water. The Living Water that holds me in His Boundless Grace.

 

Sandra