Round 1 - Leaving

Years ago when I was still with Kenny, I can remember sitting in my apartment asking myself “Why am I here?  Is this what marriage is about?” The only experience I had with marriage was my parents and my husband’s parents. They both seemed to show love and their fights were not really much. My dad never hit my mom, or called her fat, or threatened to leave her. He never cheated on her, or lied about money, or manipulated her. Sure they had issues, who doesn’t? But underneath it all, there was true love. They get to celebrate their 30^th anniversary this year. Congrats! But, I didn’t feel that way. I remember before we got engaged, I felt like I HAD to marry him. I didn’t deserve anything else. No one would really love me. At least, those were the lies I believed. I was filled with fear – fear of him, fear of being alone, but mostly fear of never being loved again.

 

Was what we had love? In some ways, yes. I loved him with all my heart. I gave up everything for him. In a weird and twisted way, I think he did love me too. Maybe it was the love of the power, the control, the manipulation, but somehow deep down there had to have been love. It was love that kept me there for over seven years. As much as I would question if our relationship was normal, I really don’t think I would have left him. I would have stayed with him, raised any children we may have had and continued to become nothing. Eventually something would probably have changed, either death, or illness, or something, but I don’t think I was strong enough to leave.

 

God knew this. He knew I felt hopeless, like I had no way out. He tried for so many years to get me out of there. He gave me “safe” friends that I could have trusted; he gave me loving parents and a brother who would have stopped at NOTHING to get me out of there. But ultimately, I chose to stay. Till death do us part. Thankfully it didn’t come to that. Instead, God opened the door for me in a sad way. I didn’t choose, at first, to end our marriage. He left me. For another girlfriend. He had many girlfriends throughout our relationship. Apparently this one was more important than all the others. I was devastated. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do or how to cope with this “emptiness” in my life. I begged him to come back. I drove 6 hours every weekend hoping he would change his mind. Looking back I see how pathetic I had become. He kept me going with his “I don’t know what I want” for months. The life of the victim of domestic violence is hard to break. From an outside perspective most people would say how “easy” it was to break it off. But to me it was harder to deal with than the abuse. I had become who he created and my “master” wasn’t there to direct me anymore.

 

Finally, God showed me the second open door – pathways. I had two choices at the next door. The path that lead to the continued fear and darkness, or a new path of light, promise and hope. I started on the path of darkness, because that is what I knew. I drove around one night looking for his car. Finally at 3 am I saw it at her house. It was at that point I back tracked and started on the path to the light. Once I got back home, I contacted a lawyer and started the process of divorce. This was the wisest choice I had made in years.

 

The process of divorce was difficult. Who wants to leave someone they loved for so long? But, for the first time I really believed that I had choices. I have always had choices. Unfortunately, he was really good at disguising my freedom to choose. Through Christ’s redemption and restoration I have taken back my freedom. Christ reminds me from time to time that I still am free to choose. Some days I fall back and become scared again, afraid I will lose everything and become alone again. But, I have to remind myself those are just lies from the devil. God frees us from these worries and these fears. Trials and problems will still arise, but He is there always for us. God held my hand and led me down the path of freedom. Sometimes he had to carry me, but He is there every step of the way. I encourage women, and men, if you are in an abusive relationship look to God for His leading. You have the choice to leave. There are many safe places for you to go if you don’t know of anywhere else. No matter what your abuser says, it is not your fault, you don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve freedom, joy and love. Not control, prison and hate. Let God open doors for you. Contact a local women’s shelter. If you are in the Washington/Oregon/Idaho area, contact A.R.M.S. at www.armsonline.org. They are a great resource and help for women and men struggling through abuse. You can win Round 1. Remember you are held by the One who created you – held in His boundless grace.

 

Sandra