My poor baby has been waking up every night from nightmares of monsters. All she ever says is that they are big and scary. I hug and kiss her and tuck her back in. Over and over if I have too. It makes me a little tired after awhile, as you can imagine. But I rejoice knowing I am her mama and she comes to me when she is scared. When I was really little, I did the same with my mom. She would lay with me, hug me, and retuck me in my bed. I felt safe. I knew I was safe with my dad because he was a police man and he took care of “bad things”.
Unfortunately I won’t be able to be there for my kids every time they are scared. It is not that I don’t want to be there, but sometimes I won’t be. I try to teach them “Have no fear, Jesus is hear!” and they can cry out to Him for safety and He will give it to them. In some form they understand, but I admit I worry about the day when I can’t be there for them. In some ways I haven’t been there. I wasn’t there when my oldest boys suffered through divorce, alcoholism, abuse, name calling, rejection, abandonment – I just wasn’t part of their lives. I wasn’t there for my little adopted babies when they watched their parents die, when their loved ones sent them away to a “better” life, when the dark people force her. I weep now just thinking of the things ALL my children suffered all because of the broken world. I look at my life and I remember asking God “Where are you? Do you see what he is doing? You don’t care.” I remember wondering if my parents were ever going to know everything I went through. I was so afraid of the things that happened to me when I was so little.
I, too, have had nightmares this week. A lot of them. Fear of my father dying, my husband leaving, my friends leaving, and my children disappearing. Every morning I have woken up exhausted and scared. I just wanted to roll bubble wrap around us and order groceries in and never leave. I was going to force safety on us forever – well until the money ran out I guess. But what is fear? Does it change my circumstances? Does it force my ex-husband to never come find me again? Does it keep my husband with me? Or does it protect my child from a predator like I suffered through? No, absolutely not. God is not fear – He is strength and endurance. He is the path to follow – always. He is who created me, molded me and picked me to love on those in my life. I can’t live in fear of losing everything. Didn’t Job do that and he still survived. Didn’t I lose everything once? Doesn’t God tell us we have to lose everything and we will gain everything? He promises we will not be weary or faint, but we will soar like wings on eagles. So today, I hold to the truth of Love, Promise and Trust that the Lord shows us. The same things I teach my children. Do not be afraid, daughter, God is with you always. He only wants you to feel His strength, His presence. He holds us gently when we weep, and He goes before us moving the enemy out of our path. His path is truth and light. So, just as a child cries for its mother in the middle of the night, cry out to your Protector when you are scared and the monsters (hate, shame, guilt, lust, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, addiction, lies, etc) are all around you. He will tuck you back in safely in your room. He will watch over you as you fall back to sleep, knowing and trusting you are safe and held boundless by His Grace.
Sandra
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