A fly on the wall - Revenge

Who wants revenge on someone who hurt them? How many of you plot out in your head what you would do if you could punish someone who has hurt you or your family? This isn’t a trick question, but one that we don’t bring up that often. For the last twelve years I have thought of many acts of revenge I could give back to my ex-husband. Some secret punishment where no one would know it was me. Some of them, I must admit, were not so pretty punishments. I mean, really, he hurt me. So, I am going to hurt him. I won’t go into details about all the horrific ways I wanted to gain revenge on this monster. He ruined me, my life, my future, and yet he walks away with his next victim as if nothing happened. There was no trial to convict him of the crimes he committed against me. There was no police man who felt sorry for me and fought for justice. No, just me wondering what had happened to me. What was I to do next? He continued to blame me for all his problems. As time went on and I created my “happy” life, there were days I just wish he could be a fly on my wall and see how “happy” I was and that I was fine without him. Or I wish I could be a fly on his wall and see how miserable he is and how bad his marriage is and that he still did the same things to her he did to me. But, that was all a lie. I was miserable. I was full of fear, hate, shame, guilt. Every time I went back to Montana I was afraid I would see him. I began to be afraid to go anywhere even in Washington. I would see him everywhere I went. I do feel bad for his wife now. I wouldn’t want him to hurt her the way he hurt me, yet I questioned if the abuse and control really was my entire fault. Would she be better at following his rules or being the perfect wife? Or was I just stupid because I couldn’t keep him? All the lies Satan convinced me of became my new abuser. I lived this way for so long until God showed me the truth.

 

What does God say about revenge? He sought vengeance on the people who walked a way from Him. Places like Sodom and Gomorrah, people like Saul, Judas, Joseph’s brothers, and Pharaoh with the plagues. Funny thing about those destructions, they were due to acts of rebellion again God. It was God’s judgment for the people, not our own. If God wanted humans to react to events in this way, he would have to command us to do this. Instead he tells us that revenge is his alone. Wasn’t the abuse given to me by Kenny against God? Did Kenny treat God’s daughter as Christ shows his love to the church? No, not at all. I was a possession, used for entertainment and fulfilling his needs. So, who did Kenny go against? Me or God? Most definitely GOD! As I have worked through this healing process, I am learning that God’s disciplines are far greater than anything my weak human mind could come up with. I continue to go to God and His word when the darkness of revenge fills up my heart.

 

I know God created me to be who I am. I may not be skinny, Brooke Shields beautiful, athletic, blonde, rich, or the life of the party, but I am God’s daughter. I was created in their (God the Father, God the Son and God the Spirit) image. Unfortunately for me, so was Kenny. Now, over time my body is not what God created whether because of choice or outside influences, but that doesn’t mean I lose my title of princess. But, what about Kenny? With every word thrown at me, every slap, every rule given did God’s love diminish for him? Absolutely not! That is the beauty of His love is that it never leaves no matter what we do or have done. It does not mean there are not consequences but ultimately if we accept Jesus as our Savior, and believe He is the Son of the living God, then nothing can separate us from His eternity – heaven, His love. Of course, that Truth has caused many years of anger, bitterness, fear, and hatred. I would ask God, “How can someone so evil still be loved by your? How can he still have a chance at joy in heaven when he robbed me of any joy on earth?” It just didn’t seem fair. But what about me? How many times have I thought bad about someone, or called someone names, or treated people badly? Am I any different some days to the abuse I endured all those years?

 

God’s love and salvation does not mean what Kenny did was ok or that I should be fine and just move on. It just means that God has something bigger for me, for him, for you. He wants me to be back with Him where I belong. He wants Kenny to come to Him, leaving behind the evils and darkness in his heart. For all I know he has done this. I doubt I will ever know this side of heaven. On many occasions, I do pray for his salvation. Some days are easier than others. But God has softened my heart towards him and he has shown me that he was and is broken. We are all broken and separated from God. This is not our home, we belong in heaven and our hearts and minds know it. So, today I ask you to search God’s love to find a way to let go of revenge. To allow God’s arms to hold you and you work through giving up the revenge. His Grace is boundless and He wants you to follow Him and His examples of love. Some of you may not be ready for this, and that is ok. Ask God to continue to be with you as you continue your journey through healing and on to freedom in Christ. Look for things in your life God has placed there specifically for you. You never know, some day you may be sharing your testimony of grace with someone else!

 

Sandra