Hockey is not just a sport, it is a way of life

For my first birthday with the Raskell's we cut the celebration short to go to hockey for Kevin and Nick. The night George proposed we had to get to hockey. For the first seven years it was hockey 24/7. Then the boys graduated. It has been weird not being in the ice rink. So, today as I sit at EWU watching Kevin I realized hockey isn't just a sport it is a way of life.

We haven't been able to afford hockey for four little ones in the last few years. After today I might sell my kidney to be able to get them to play. Maybe next year, right? I wonder what the kids are missing by starting so late. Will they be behind in skills, strength, desire to play? Then I got to thinking, what about Christians? What do non believers miss out on by not "joining the team"? Are they further behind others, do they lack skills, or have to study extra hard to get "caught" up? No way!

The minute someone joins Christ's team, they have all they need - Christ. I think so many people hold back because they feel they need to instantly be "good". If Christianity was all about being good, then I am definitely not good. Just because I gave my life to Christ doesn't mean I don't lie, swear, mismanage money, hold resentments, have addictions, etc. The only difference is who I serve and who I am in relationship with - our Savior. God expects and deserves obedience but that doesn't mean he won't allow me to be in His family.

I encourage you all out there still trying to find Christ, join His team! He won't let you down. Life will always have trials but I would much rather have Christ on my side through them. So, like hockey, God is just not a sport He is a way of life. Go out and believe He will hold you in His boundless grace.

Who am I?

I was just reading an email from a dear friend of mine who was in Ethiopia on a mission trip. While there she visited lepers, AIDS affected communities, schools and church plants. Of course I read this after I spent the morning whining about how my shoulder hurting and how I was frustrated with certain people in my life. As I read her email it was like a knife had been thrust into my heart. What gives me the right to complain or whine about anything? I may be having a flare up of arthritis, but at least I have joints to flare. When did I become a judge of my circumstances as well as of others. Did God decide when he created me that one day I would take over His job? No way!

I am judged a lot by others. I know this. Sometimes their judgements are correct and sometime not so correct. In the times they are not correct I get upset and hurt and I want to lash out at them. Isn't that how God feels? When I judge HIS children don't you think He might get a little defensive. Who am I to question my Creator as to what He Created in me or others? I screw up - a lot. I lie, I cheat, I steal, I have probably committed murder in my mind by hate and vengeance, I defraud God, I do all the things I am not supposed to. But hear this - God pardoned me. He gave me a free pass to freedom. I just have to chose to continue to take it. For a long time my husband and I didn't tithe God's money. We definitely felt the implications of this. After awhile we got the hints. We changed our whole beliefs and spending. We re-started our budget, we follow the budget, and yet we still have fun and have a life. We just do things that dont cost money. Games, movie nights, outdoors, singing, dancing, hanging out. Our little ones love it!

God isn't a killjoy when He asks is to obey. He loves to bless us when we do. We just need to be able to see the blessing for whatever God gives. So today remember who you are - a child of God. A child to be loved and cared for - every day of your life! Remember that you are held by His boundless grace no matter where you come from

It is for.....

So I was going to write a post about the struggles of my life and frustrations of people who are hurtful but instead I feel God telling me to look at them as He sees them. His words were loud and clear to me "Look at who they really are." If I can lay claim to being a daughter of a king doesn't that mean everyone can too? Who am I to say that someone doesn't deserve a crown? I read the bible and it feeds my soul. God's Word tells me who I am in Him. It points to Truth about creation, the womb and constant beauty. It shows me grace when I make mistakes, mercy when I should be punished, restoration when I have been damaged, redemption when I have been wrong, but most importantly, forgiven for it all.

This is true for everyone who believes it and trusts it. It is for the child who disobeys, the wife who controls, the husband who is quick to anger, the parent who is quick to criticize, the co-worker who lives a sinful life, the friend who walks away and the child who is forever damaged. It would be so easy for me to condemn and throw my stones at those who hurt me, betray me and deny me. I want to retaliate and sharpen my sword at them. But God holds me back in his arms reminding me that I deserve the same.

So I ask that you all try to do the same in your lives. Give love, mercy and boundless grace to those around you.

Freedom, Strength, Truth

I struggle regularly wondering what freedom really means. I worked so hard through counseling, prayer, journaling and bible study to be free of the bondage of my abuse, yet I find myself enslaved in different ways. I cry out to God wondering if will ever get better. Each day it seems a different struggle. Yesterday it was a battle over control. Control of worry, kids, being right, giving up my independence, work, and my thoughts. Today I struggle with loss. I find myself wallowing in my losses – childhood, family, loved ones, money, independence. I feed into these negative thoughts. I lose sight of God’s reminders of taking EVERY thought captive. I forget His promises are never broken. I cry out, wondering why He forgets me. Then a song came on the radio and God showed me some Truths.

Mandisa Stronger

I have to remember that these trials will make me stronger. I have to hold on to the promise that this world is only temporary. And really, is everything as bad as I have made it? So, instead I go back and think about my complaints I have lodged to the Lord – my Judge.

Control – we all want it, right? I worry about tomorrow and the next and the next. But doesn’t he say not to worry? If He cares for the sparrows, aren’t I more important? Have I ever truly gone without? I can’t control my kids and make them perfect. But really, who can? In reality they aren’t my children to begin with. They are His. I only get to watch over them. So, am I doing a good job? Some days I do, but lately not so much. How would Jesus discipline Ahnika when she lies and doesn’t speak truth? Would He yell at her? Or lovingly reprimand. Would he snap at Caleb because he forgot to fold a basket of clothes? No way. So who made me so special that I can treat HIS children this way?

When God brought George in my life happily ever after was what I thought. He was my savior, my protector, my future. Well now. He does those things sometimes, but what about the times when he yells, or critiques me, or just plain doesn’t live up to MY expectations? How did Jesus treat the disciples when they bickered? He loved them, He served them, He washed their stinky feet (oh boy, you know how I am about feet!). So, why is so hard to do this for my husband? The man who vowed to love me always, no matter what? Did that vow change, or have I been the one to change? When did I get so irritable and bitter? He doesn’t deserve my Negative Ninny attitude anymore than I deserve his Grumpy Gus attitude. He is God’s son well before he was ever my husband. So, shouldn’t I give him the respect he deserves as God’s son?

Independence. Freedom. Chain removal. All words that want to make you raise your fists in victory. But for me, they mean facing loss, my past, hurt, anger, guilt and shame. To be free means to sacrifice. To be independent means there is no one to take care of me – I am fine on my own. But really, that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t fine on my own. I thought I had sacrificed. So, why should I have to continue to sacrifice? Picture a man carrying a lamb up a hill to the temple.  “Is this one pure, lord?” The priest inspects it. “No, bring me another.” The man goes to search for another one. He brings it up the hill again for the Priest to inspect it. “What about this one?” The Priest rejects it. The man continues for hours searching for the pure and spotless lamb. Finally as the sun begins to set, the man comes to the Priest empty-handed with his arms out. “How about this one, this man.” The Priest accepts him and he is led to be sacrificed for the sins of all. Aside from Christ, there were none perfect enough for sacrifice, all are sinners. That includes me. But Christ sacrificed himself for us – all of us. He is the pure and spotless lamb. He was never a slave to sin, but with each lashing, each kick, each hammer blow my sins were lain on Him – and He took it. That is independence, freedom, removal of my chains. My sins hold me in bondage, but His death removed the chains. I am free. It has been hard to face my sins. Who wants to admit they used to party a little too much, or that they lied, stole jewelry, had sex before marriage, did drugs, cheated on tests, held on to hatred, even wished people dead? I have done that and worse, but still He calls me His own, His daughter, His chosen one. My freedom came with a price – Christ’s death on a criminal’s cross.

I complain about the losses I have endured in my life. I lost my childhood when I was abused as a 3^rd and 4^th grader. My innocence was lost. But, I am redeemed through Christ. He has given me a second chance to experience this childhood through my children’s eyes. I have lost family members and loved ones – but only here on earth. They are in heaven awaiting my arrival and to be reunited again. Money? Really, how selfish and self-centered. I have been to Ethiopia and seen poverty yet I complain because we live paycheck to paycheck? Who cares if I can’t wash my car this week or get pizza for dinner. Independence again stares at me in the face. It is hard to be so controlled by another that you have no self left. Kenny did that to me. I lost who I was. I became who he wanted me to be. But, even though I struggle to find who I really am, it is only in Christ that I can ever truly know. He created me in His image, in the secret of my mother’s womb I was formed. I am still that child with wide eyed innocence. And only when I fully give up my control to Christ can I fully find that girl again. I see her coming out every once in awhile. But rather than sharing her with others, I tend to keep her hidden – safe from evil. Only the Lord is my true Protector, Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, Giver, Father. He is the one True thing that will never fail. Lord let this child be free again!

So, as I finish out this week of life, I am reminded that in Christ I am free, loved, cherished, hopeful, innocent, and beautiful. Lord, remind me today, tomorrow and the next when all the sorrow and pain return that only through your boundless grace and mercy can I become the girl I once knew.

The Jungle

As many of you know, I LOVE Survivor. I have watched it since the first season except seasons 3 and 4. It is the most mindless, dumb, totally unbelievable “reality” show I watch. But, I love seeing who are the villains, the nice guys, the nice girls, the crazies, etc. We live in a world full of them and this show just exemplifies them. This season has been filled with all types. The best part of this season is Matt. He is a Christian who appears to be only there because God called him there and he is willing to stay as long as God allows. From what they show, it even looks like he is converting some of them and encouraging others.

 

Survivor got me thinking about relationships. What if we put into practice what the show encourages – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast? Now, in the real world, this is not a good strategy for friendships, marriages and families. Relationships don’t need a “sole survivor”. But, what about abuse? Isn’t that what being married to an abuser is like? How long can you outwit – you always have to read his mind and anticipate his needs and expectations. Can you outplay him? I became very good at anticipating what Kenny would do in certain situations. In the end I outplayed his game. I had my own rules he didn’t know about. I knew how to set aside money to buy things I needed. I learned the best way to word answers to avoid his anger. Finally, I outlasted him. Now, for the record he left me for his girlfriend back home. But, he continued to keep me dangling until I made the chose to leave for good. He continued to try to manipulate, but over the months it lost its effectiveness. Unfortunately not everyone can outlast. There are many women every year who end up with broken ribs, noses, necks, arms, legs, etc. all at the hands of their abuser. There are women who, like me, are so confused by what he told me and what reality was I was emotionally dead. There are also women who have died at the hand of their abuser. I was steps away, I know that now. His wrath and anger were building. The signs had been there for years. I am so thankful I was able to survive my previous marriage. I don’t know where he is now or if he has changed. I pray the Lord opens his heart and he hears the truth one day. In heaven it will all fade away, but for today I still ask for courage and strength to continue to outlast and to be strong. I have no desire to ever see him or hear from him. Until recently, I was terrified of seeing him. I know now I could tolerate it, but I wouldn’t like it.

 

As I work through my past in counseling, small groups, and domestic violent support group, I am constantly reminded of women who are at different parts of their journey. Many ask my how I survived. Last night in one of my groups, the leader talked about a thick jungle. That is what life is like sometimes. So it got me thinking.  What does my jungle look like? Well, of course I need tools and supplies. I suggest a machete first. This can be used to clear paths, cut firewood, cut food, dig, etc. In life, it can be our protection against the darkness as we travel through the jungle. It opens up a new path – the path we are asked to take by God. I have an old path through my jungle. But this path is beaten down, rocky, thorny, and it leads to despair, shame, guilty, worthlessness, anger, fear, etc. It isn’t very appealing because it is my old path. It is well worn and comfortable. This other un-cleared path is hot, scratchy, dangerous and holds snakes, and other scary creatures. Isn’t that how life is? We have a choice. We can choose to stay on our destructive path or we can follow God in the unknown path KNOWING it is and will be dangerous. But, because it is God’s path I can trust He will help take care of snakes, spiders, etc.

 

In my newly cut path I have faced the Serpent of lies and deception telling me I am not good enough, it is all my fault, I am trash and I am unworthy of love. I have seen death of cherished creatures and I have seen creatures that look like death. I have suffered hunger (for love, safety, stability), cold (from others, loss of work, my family), heat (illness, weariness) and thirst (knowing I don’t belong here). Yet with each THWACK! of the machete I am one step closer to my destination – forever with the Creator, the Healer, the Protector, the Lover, and my Savior. Can’t you see the why we struggle? Isn’t better to work hard and earn the outcome than just have it handed to you? I didn’t want my abuse, but I am thankful God allowed me to endure the pain so that I can see His Glory as I enter His Kingdom.

 

We also need a water bottle. This will help keep us hydrated and functioning. As I worked through my path I noticed I was almost out of water. Since there are no drinking fountains or anything in the jungle, I had only one choice – the Living Water. Yep, Jesus filled my water bottle when I was most thirsty. We also need insect repellent for those pesky bugs that can bite and turn into nasty things. Isn’t that how people are. They speak little lies in our heads and eventually they grow like cancer in our hearts. We also need energy bars. Although Jesus may have fasted for forty days, I don’t think I could cut a path through the jungle and not eat. I notice that when I haven’t eaten, Satan tends to attack more. So consider the energy bars like an energy field keeping Satan away. Finally, we need band-aids. The branches and vines and thorns like to leave a lot of cuts all over our body. I prefer princess or transformer band-aids, but whatever. The nice thing about them is once the wound is healed you can put store it in a travelling garbage sack. All that is left of the wound is a scar. My life has been full of wounds requiring band-aids. Some of the wounds healed and left no mark, while others left some pretty hefty scars. But, just because we have scars doesn’t mean it still hurts. Through Christ our wounds are healed.

 

While I walk through the jungle yielding my sharp object, I do admit I sometimes picture the branches and leaves as the people who have hurt me. As I chop in I think of someone who I thought was a friend that said “Boy she really let herself go” and I cut down that lie. I chop down the teasing I endured. Rather than feel the burn of a backhand or a pull of my hair, I destroy the branch that could do the same. I am realizing it is ok to be angry. It was when I took that anger out on my kids or my family and worst, my husband that my anger wasn’t ok. Instead now I write, I pray, I journal, I clean, and sometimes I draw or come up with visuals to help me work through the pain. I still turn to ice cream and popcorn for comfort instead of healthier alternatives such as prayer, or the bible, or nothing, but I have to remember I have not reached my destination. Just like when Edmund, Lucy, Prince Caspian and Eustace made it to Aslan’s Country, they could not enter. So it is with me, it is not time for me to enter His Kingdom. Only God knows the timing

 

Sometimes I like to look back on my path to see how far I have come. Sometimes I stop and plant flowers and gardens at points that need beauty. I have a garden full of daisies and carnations for my lost childhood, I have a pond stocked with fish with green bean plants nearby to pick for my Grandpa Stanturf, I have tulips and daffodils for my previous marriage, I have lilies for not being able to have biological children, I have raspberries for when I lost my father-in-law, I have wild flowers and butterflies for my children’s birth parents the loss they have suffered, and right now I am building a grove of quacking aspen representing the strength and completion of this part of my journey. I am ready to continue on clearing my path. I know the vines and branches are tangled with conflict in many things right now, but I am ready. My strength has returned and God is forging ahead of me already.

 

So, what does your jungle hold? Are you a survivor, or do you feel like you are constantly getting voted out? My hope is that at you read this you can look back and see the path you used to be on and turn to the one God’s waiting for you on. Pick up your machete and start chopping away! But remember if you get scared call out. Jesus is there, always there. He wants to crown you sole survivor of the jungle of your life.

 

Sandra

Loss of love

How many of you have lost love? My husband is always teasing me that I live truly believing in fairy tales. I keep asking him “Why can’t it happen?” He just chuckles.

 

When I first married Kenny, my ex-husband, I had a distorted view of the fairy tale. I didn’t need rescuing because I went no where, I was given everything I “needed”, our “castle” was all we needed, I was allowed to visit friends if I was good, and one time he even got me a little furry friend that I could talk to. Most importantly, the truth was, there was no one left to make my happy ever after. The tale was that I wasn’t allowed to leave without permission, I didn’t buy things for myself, he decided where we lived, and he almost killed my furry friend because of things I did.

 

Lately his lies have snuck back into my head. I am so disappointed they were still here! “You aren’t good enough! What kind of a person/wife are you? If you were just prettier maybe I would stay here. Why do you always fight with me? If you wouldn’t have questioned me NONE of this would have happened. You are worthless. You are so embarrassing. I can’t believe I have stayed with you this long.” The lies go on and on and on. I am still amazed that one human being can do so much damage. With each tear that fell, each beat of my heart, my dream of love and forever became distorted and a lie. How many of you have been there? Not just from abuse, but from the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a job, a friendship, a home, a marriage, an innocent childhood. We all suffer from loss, but most importantly we suffer from the loss of love.

 

I am here today to tell you fairy tales ARE true! There is a prince charming who is ready to take you away. You just have to be ready for the bridegroom when he comes to claim his bride! He is clothed in white and comes on horseback. He is love. He is gentleness. He is humble. He is strong. He protects. He does everything we dream in a prince. He is Jesus – the lover of my soul. It has taken me so long to see this. I spent so many nights crying and wondering if love will ever find me. But He already had. He found me before I even existed. He was there during my dark times with my ex-husband. He was there when my heart was broken at the death of the ones I love. He is still here, wooing me into His arms. He is my protector, my strength, my shield, my Love. He will never let me down, He will never leave me, He will never lie or cheat on me, and He will never put me down.

 

I also have realized that part of my fairy tale is that Christ did pick an earthly prince for me. He may not always be truly a prince charming, but I am not always the wonderful princess. Last night while talking with God I kept asking Him “What am I doing wrong here? Why can’t I just figure this out?” He just kept saying “learn to love” over and over. So I turned to Isaiah 42 and read. I saw and learned what it means to love others even when I don’t want to. He showed me how to love patiently, love kindly, love completely, love quietly, love humbly, love respectfully and on and on. I continued working with God as to what part of loving I needed to work on each person in my life. How can I love George? How can I love Giovanni? How can I love my mother? At the very end of working through a pretty good list, I am now at how can I love Kenny, my ex? This is a tough one. I don’t know. But thankfully as my Prince and I dance tonight during prayer singing “I know you I danced with you once upon a dream!” He will probably show me how I can love my ex better, love him as Christ has always loved him.

 

So, ask yourselves, how can you love better? While you are held in your Prince’s boundless grace, learn to love like you never have before!

 

Sandra

War Veterans

I am proud to know many war veterans from all different wars. WWII, Korean, Vietnam, Gulf War, Panama, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan are just some of them. I lost my father-in-law because of disabilities he had from the Vietnam War. My father is fighting many battles with his health because of the Gulf War. But, I know these men and women that have fought for our country and they would do it all over again. I am proud of them. I weep for them. I pray for them. I love them. Sometime I wonder what it would have been like to be standing in the jungle, or sandstorm, or in a submarine fighting for freedom. It must have been scary. I know my father and father-in-law suffer from memories of what they saw and did. I know many people suffer this way.

 

So, are we as Christians any different? In many ways, we are not. We just fight a different battle. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12. Sometimes it is hard to feel like a hero when you don’t even know what you are fighting. I was at the Abuse Recovery Ministry Services (A.R.M.S.) banquet on Saturday night when one of the speakers mentioned that survivors of domestic violence are veterans. It got me thinking. I am a veteran to the war I battled for over seven years. At times I almost lost my life, and at times I raised my hands in victory. Each battle, however, has left scars. But these scars symbolize the freedom I feel today. I am no longer a slave to a human man. He doesn’t control me. Sometimes I let him through PTSD or coping behaviors, but with Christ I am able to continually overcome these chains of bondage.

 

I think anyone who has struggled with bondage and has been released through Christ is a war veteran. That bondage could be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, spending, TV, Facebook, internet, work – anything that keeps them separate from God. God teaches us in Ephesians 6 to put on our armor of God. I pray this every morning with my daughter on my way to work. The belt of truth, shoes of peace, breastplate of righteousness, helmet of salvation, shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit. If we were not in battle why would we need armor? I encourage you pick up your armor and fight this battle we are in. We only have one enemy – Satan. We are not to fight each other, but the lies we believe, we hear, the temptations before us, and the darkness. Just like war veterans receive disability for their efforts we receive eternal life for ours. Heaven is our disability pay. It is where we will go to be fully healed with no more battles to face.

 

I encourage you to look for the struggles and battles you face every day and remember that you have the power and strength to conquer and win. “I can do ALL things in Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13. Remember He holds you in Boundless Grace promising an eternal victory.

 

Sandra

Lessons Learned From Lot

,Last week I was sitting through my Domestic Violence group and God reminded me of the story of Lot. Lot’s story can be found in Genesis 13-19. Here is a recap (my version, sorry for any mistakes or misinterpretation).

So Abram and Lot leave Egypt. They both were very wealthy. But, their workers were fighting each other. So, Abram being so wise decided they needed to go their separate ways. Being the great Uncle Abram was, he told Lot to pick where he wanted to live and Abraham would go the opposite way. You Well, Lot chose the beautiful valley of Jordan. Abram went the other way to the valley of Canaan.  At first Lot lived outside of the city walls. He did business when needed with the city people, but he wasn’t “one” of them. He continued this way for a while. Then we read that he moves closer toward the city walls. I don’t know if his wife wanted to be closer, or they wanted a bigger house, or what but they moved. Eventually, over time, they said “forget it” and just moved in to the city. Well the cities were corrupt and full of evil people and deeds. Lust, sex, drugs, all that icky sinful stuff God tells us to avoid and not partake in were prevalent throughout Sodom and Gomorrah. God was sad. He told Abraham he wanted to destroy the cities with fire – to get them off the face of the world.  Abraham pleaded that if he could find righteous people to not destroy the cities. Abraham and God went back and forth over the number of righteous people to find. Finally God said ok. God sent two messengers to warn Lot of the coming fire and for him to escape with his family. They warned him to leave the city. Lot packed up his family and they left. Now, the angels warned them family not to look back, and that darn Lot’s wife did. So, she is now a pillar of salt.

So, what does this have to do with abuse and life, you may ask. Well, it got me thinking. How was I so dumb to continue to allow the abuse to happen and even to stay? I hear people all the time make comments about women in abusive relationships. “Why don’t they just leave? I mean, he is such a jerk.” What they don’t know is how hard it is. It is hard to stay, but it is even harder to leave. They control us financially, verbally, through our jobs, our clothes, our homes, our kids. I was with him for over 8 years and the idea of leaving was rare. You see, my relationship started out just like Lot. In the beginning our relationship was wonderful. We laughed, held hands, trusted and fell in love. Sure, there were “fights”, but he hooked me into believing I was special. I was wanted. I was needed. Then, like Lot, we moved a little closer to those city walls. This is where the abuse started. It is like doing business with evil. You know it is wrong, but once it is complete you move away and tend to forget how hard it was. Kenny was really good at twisting our “disagreements” to make it look like I was at fault. He was very subtle and manipulative in his words. At first, it was very gentle “reprimands” after the initial yelling and hitting. “You know, I love you right? But we need to talk. When you look at another guy I just get so jealous. I love you so much I just can’t bear the thought of you liking someone else.” Ahh, how sweet, I thought. Isn’t that what girls want? Their men they love to be jealous of other men? Of course, over time we moved fully into the city walls. The walls protected me from the outside world’s judgment – it was true because he told me. He kept building up the city wall with his lies and abuse. Pretty soon I lived in a fortress built out of fear, manipulation, shame and guilt. I didn’t trust the world outside of our city. Everyone was out to get me. They wanted to destroy our love. That is what he told me. No one understood us – another lie. I was really convinced if I would work harder on who I was and could be he would love me even more. I really thought that jealousy was a measure of love. That if I messed up one more time he would leave. He was so perfect any girl would want him. I had to keep him – no matter what.  Everyone (well, most everyone) thought he was so sweet and took such good care of me. I always got roses and calls to say how much he loved me. Little did they know the roses followed yelling, abuse, and the hate and anger he poured out on me.

Thankfully, God loves me so much that as I was drawn away from the abuse, whether by choice or not, I did not turn to a pillar of salt. I have looked back, many times. I used to wonder what happened to my perfect life, my “amazing” husband and wonder what I did wrong. But, as God heals me and helps me remove the bricks of my city wall I can look back and see how far I have travelled. I see the city of abuse for what it really is – despair, fear, anger, darkness, dirty, evil, etc. It does not appeal to me anymore. Instead I look ahead to the city of hope, the city of grace, the city of light, the city of love. This is God’s city. It is my stepping stone to heaven. It is where I live now. In my city there is still sorrow and hurt and fear, but God’s presence helps me work through these and remember that they do not control me anymore. God’s city doesn’t have walls to hold me in, but to hold evil out. There is beauty here. A beauty I never could imagine existed. Do you see it? The sunrises, sunsets, a child’s laugh, a friends hug, a husbands embrace. That is my new city. I am free from the bondage that held me for so long. The Spirit moves me to truth, safety, love, and hope.

I hope that you can relate to what I wrote today. It doesn’t have to be abuse that is your Sodom and Gomorrah; it could be drugs, work, husband, wife, anything that keeps you from seeing the Truth in the City of Light and Love. So, my dear friends remember to hold to the Truth of our Savior and to trust that we are all held by His Boundless Grace. Let God lead you to your city and see the beauty that it holds.

Sandra

I WILL listen next time

Yesterday I felt the Spirit move me. He told me to do something. I asked Him if He was sure. "I can make it Lord, its all good." I even asked my peer if we could make it, and he agreed with me, we can make it. Yet, we didn’t make it. Scraaaape. My work Jeep slid and scraped the post. I should have listened to the Spirit telling me to go a different way, because then I wouldn't have slid into the pole. Ahhhh, life lessons.

I did surprise myself through it all and I never stressed about it. I think it is because God was still there. Even though I didn't listen to His gentle leading, and made my own choice, He still comforted me afterwards. He reminded me that even when I don't listen, I don't obey and I choose the outcome based on my intellect, His love is still there. Still just as big, still never ending and still just as strong. Love never fails.

I haven’t always felt His presence, especially lately. I am currently wondering through the wilderness of life – just like Moses did. Even though God may have called me here into this wilderness, doesn’t mean He has abandoned me. Of course, some days I do feel like I am alone, struggling, wondering if anyone cares, wondering what the point of it all is. And then, in my darkest times, God speaks to my heart. "I love you, child. I rejoice in you. I dance over you. I created you!" We are never alone. I am so thankful I found my way back to Him. I remember some of my darkest days feeling like it was me against God. Satan convinced me I was worthless, unwanted, unloved, pure trash. Then I finally saw the Truth and realized what a lie I had lived. God doesn't feel that way. He has been by my side the whole time. Always there. Do you believe this? Even in your darkest times, do you Trust His promise to never leave you or forsake you? I pray today you do. Today I will remember He is always there holding me in unfailing love, boundless Grace, and mercy.

Sandra

 

I had a bad dream

My poor baby has been waking up every night from nightmares of monsters. All she ever says is that they are big and scary. I hug and kiss her and tuck her back in. Over and over if I have too. It makes me a little tired after awhile, as you can imagine. But I rejoice knowing I am her mama and she comes to me when she is scared. When I was really little, I did the same with my mom. She would lay with me, hug me, and retuck me in my bed. I felt safe. I knew I was safe with my dad because he was a police man and he took care of “bad things”.

 

Unfortunately I won’t be able to be there for my kids every time they are scared. It is not that I don’t want to be there, but sometimes I won’t be. I try to teach them “Have no fear, Jesus is hear!” and they can cry out to Him for safety and He will give it to them. In some form they understand, but I admit I worry about the day when I can’t be there for them. In some ways I haven’t been there. I wasn’t there when my oldest boys suffered through divorce, alcoholism, abuse, name calling, rejection, abandonment – I just wasn’t part of their lives. I wasn’t there for my little adopted babies when they watched their parents die, when their loved ones sent them away to a “better” life, when the dark people force her. I weep now just thinking of the things ALL my children suffered all because of the broken world. I look at my life and I remember asking God “Where are you? Do you see what he is doing? You don’t care.” I remember wondering if my parents were ever going to know everything I went through. I was so afraid of the things that happened to me when I was so little.

 

I, too, have had nightmares this week. A lot of them. Fear of my father dying, my husband leaving, my friends leaving, and my children disappearing. Every morning I have woken up exhausted and scared. I just wanted to roll bubble wrap around us and order groceries in and never leave. I was going to force safety on us forever – well until the money ran out I guess. But what is fear? Does it change my circumstances? Does it force my ex-husband to never come find me again? Does it keep my husband with me? Or does it protect my child from a predator like I suffered through? No, absolutely not. God is not fear – He is strength and endurance. He is the path to follow – always. He is who created me, molded me and picked me to love on those in my life. I can’t live in fear of losing everything. Didn’t Job do that and he still survived. Didn’t I lose everything once? Doesn’t God tell us we have to lose everything and we will gain everything? He promises we will not be weary or faint, but we will soar like wings on eagles. So today, I hold to the truth of Love, Promise and Trust that the Lord shows us. The same things I teach my children. Do not be afraid, daughter, God is with you always. He only wants you to feel His strength, His presence. He holds us gently when we weep, and He goes before us moving the enemy out of our path. His path is truth and light. So, just as a child cries for its mother in the middle of the night, cry out to your Protector when you are scared and the monsters (hate, shame, guilt, lust, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, addiction, lies, etc) are all around you. He will tuck you back in safely in your room. He will watch over you as you fall back to sleep, knowing and trusting you are safe and held boundless by His Grace.

 

Sandra