The Rut

I have been in St. Maries, ID for the last couple of weeks. The work I did was smelly, dirty and lonely. Every day as I drove on to the site my Jeep bounced, jostled and moaned over the ruts frozen in the North Idaho tundra. With each bounce it reminded me of of so many other times in my life where I was bouncing through the ruts of life. Sometimes I would get stuck when the ruts were deep and muddy and other times they were frozen and I just bounced through.

At the beginning of my North Idaho journey I was excited to be away from life and enjoy the quiet, watch non-children movies and regroup with God. Towards the end I just wanted to be home with my family. Last night when I got home I received the two biggest hugs ever!

I realized that as I longed for home I also longed for God. I have been in a God rut lately. I know He is there but somedays I just feel so lonely. I wish I could walk through the Garden with God or listen to Jesus preach or feel the Spirit move in me. As I was praying this morning God showed me that He is available for a walk anytime, that all I have to do is open my Bible to hear Christ preach and the Spirit dwells in me. I am not the only one who has ever been in a rut. It is Satan's lies that tell me I am alone. Instead I am surrounded by family and friends who love me for me - good and bad. They are the ones who need to know I am in a rut. They are the ones who will pull me out. Thank you Jesus for sending me people who believe in me and love me for me.

So, next time you are in a rut rememeber you are not alone. You have people around you who love you and want to help you. But, most importantly you have God who is with you each bounce along the way. Allow yourself to feel Christ's boundless grace surround you as you move through life full of ruts.

Hockey is not just a sport, it is a way of life

For my first birthday with the Raskell's we cut the celebration short to go to hockey for Kevin and Nick. The night George proposed we had to get to hockey. For the first seven years it was hockey 24/7. Then the boys graduated. It has been weird not being in the ice rink. So, today as I sit at EWU watching Kevin I realized hockey isn't just a sport it is a way of life.

We haven't been able to afford hockey for four little ones in the last few years. After today I might sell my kidney to be able to get them to play. Maybe next year, right? I wonder what the kids are missing by starting so late. Will they be behind in skills, strength, desire to play? Then I got to thinking, what about Christians? What do non believers miss out on by not "joining the team"? Are they further behind others, do they lack skills, or have to study extra hard to get "caught" up? No way!

The minute someone joins Christ's team, they have all they need - Christ. I think so many people hold back because they feel they need to instantly be "good". If Christianity was all about being good, then I am definitely not good. Just because I gave my life to Christ doesn't mean I don't lie, swear, mismanage money, hold resentments, have addictions, etc. The only difference is who I serve and who I am in relationship with - our Savior. God expects and deserves obedience but that doesn't mean he won't allow me to be in His family.

I encourage you all out there still trying to find Christ, join His team! He won't let you down. Life will always have trials but I would much rather have Christ on my side through them. So, like hockey, God is just not a sport He is a way of life. Go out and believe He will hold you in His boundless grace.

Who am I?

I was just reading an email from a dear friend of mine who was in Ethiopia on a mission trip. While there she visited lepers, AIDS affected communities, schools and church plants. Of course I read this after I spent the morning whining about how my shoulder hurting and how I was frustrated with certain people in my life. As I read her email it was like a knife had been thrust into my heart. What gives me the right to complain or whine about anything? I may be having a flare up of arthritis, but at least I have joints to flare. When did I become a judge of my circumstances as well as of others. Did God decide when he created me that one day I would take over His job? No way!

I am judged a lot by others. I know this. Sometimes their judgements are correct and sometime not so correct. In the times they are not correct I get upset and hurt and I want to lash out at them. Isn't that how God feels? When I judge HIS children don't you think He might get a little defensive. Who am I to question my Creator as to what He Created in me or others? I screw up - a lot. I lie, I cheat, I steal, I have probably committed murder in my mind by hate and vengeance, I defraud God, I do all the things I am not supposed to. But hear this - God pardoned me. He gave me a free pass to freedom. I just have to chose to continue to take it. For a long time my husband and I didn't tithe God's money. We definitely felt the implications of this. After awhile we got the hints. We changed our whole beliefs and spending. We re-started our budget, we follow the budget, and yet we still have fun and have a life. We just do things that dont cost money. Games, movie nights, outdoors, singing, dancing, hanging out. Our little ones love it!

God isn't a killjoy when He asks is to obey. He loves to bless us when we do. We just need to be able to see the blessing for whatever God gives. So today remember who you are - a child of God. A child to be loved and cared for - every day of your life! Remember that you are held by His boundless grace no matter where you come from

It is for.....

So I was going to write a post about the struggles of my life and frustrations of people who are hurtful but instead I feel God telling me to look at them as He sees them. His words were loud and clear to me "Look at who they really are." If I can lay claim to being a daughter of a king doesn't that mean everyone can too? Who am I to say that someone doesn't deserve a crown? I read the bible and it feeds my soul. God's Word tells me who I am in Him. It points to Truth about creation, the womb and constant beauty. It shows me grace when I make mistakes, mercy when I should be punished, restoration when I have been damaged, redemption when I have been wrong, but most importantly, forgiven for it all.

This is true for everyone who believes it and trusts it. It is for the child who disobeys, the wife who controls, the husband who is quick to anger, the parent who is quick to criticize, the co-worker who lives a sinful life, the friend who walks away and the child who is forever damaged. It would be so easy for me to condemn and throw my stones at those who hurt me, betray me and deny me. I want to retaliate and sharpen my sword at them. But God holds me back in his arms reminding me that I deserve the same.

So I ask that you all try to do the same in your lives. Give love, mercy and boundless grace to those around you.

Freedom, Strength, Truth

I struggle regularly wondering what freedom really means. I worked so hard through counseling, prayer, journaling and bible study to be free of the bondage of my abuse, yet I find myself enslaved in different ways. I cry out to God wondering if will ever get better. Each day it seems a different struggle. Yesterday it was a battle over control. Control of worry, kids, being right, giving up my independence, work, and my thoughts. Today I struggle with loss. I find myself wallowing in my losses – childhood, family, loved ones, money, independence. I feed into these negative thoughts. I lose sight of God’s reminders of taking EVERY thought captive. I forget His promises are never broken. I cry out, wondering why He forgets me. Then a song came on the radio and God showed me some Truths.

Mandisa Stronger

I have to remember that these trials will make me stronger. I have to hold on to the promise that this world is only temporary. And really, is everything as bad as I have made it? So, instead I go back and think about my complaints I have lodged to the Lord – my Judge.

Control – we all want it, right? I worry about tomorrow and the next and the next. But doesn’t he say not to worry? If He cares for the sparrows, aren’t I more important? Have I ever truly gone without? I can’t control my kids and make them perfect. But really, who can? In reality they aren’t my children to begin with. They are His. I only get to watch over them. So, am I doing a good job? Some days I do, but lately not so much. How would Jesus discipline Ahnika when she lies and doesn’t speak truth? Would He yell at her? Or lovingly reprimand. Would he snap at Caleb because he forgot to fold a basket of clothes? No way. So who made me so special that I can treat HIS children this way?

When God brought George in my life happily ever after was what I thought. He was my savior, my protector, my future. Well now. He does those things sometimes, but what about the times when he yells, or critiques me, or just plain doesn’t live up to MY expectations? How did Jesus treat the disciples when they bickered? He loved them, He served them, He washed their stinky feet (oh boy, you know how I am about feet!). So, why is so hard to do this for my husband? The man who vowed to love me always, no matter what? Did that vow change, or have I been the one to change? When did I get so irritable and bitter? He doesn’t deserve my Negative Ninny attitude anymore than I deserve his Grumpy Gus attitude. He is God’s son well before he was ever my husband. So, shouldn’t I give him the respect he deserves as God’s son?

Independence. Freedom. Chain removal. All words that want to make you raise your fists in victory. But for me, they mean facing loss, my past, hurt, anger, guilt and shame. To be free means to sacrifice. To be independent means there is no one to take care of me – I am fine on my own. But really, that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t fine on my own. I thought I had sacrificed. So, why should I have to continue to sacrifice? Picture a man carrying a lamb up a hill to the temple.  “Is this one pure, lord?” The priest inspects it. “No, bring me another.” The man goes to search for another one. He brings it up the hill again for the Priest to inspect it. “What about this one?” The Priest rejects it. The man continues for hours searching for the pure and spotless lamb. Finally as the sun begins to set, the man comes to the Priest empty-handed with his arms out. “How about this one, this man.” The Priest accepts him and he is led to be sacrificed for the sins of all. Aside from Christ, there were none perfect enough for sacrifice, all are sinners. That includes me. But Christ sacrificed himself for us – all of us. He is the pure and spotless lamb. He was never a slave to sin, but with each lashing, each kick, each hammer blow my sins were lain on Him – and He took it. That is independence, freedom, removal of my chains. My sins hold me in bondage, but His death removed the chains. I am free. It has been hard to face my sins. Who wants to admit they used to party a little too much, or that they lied, stole jewelry, had sex before marriage, did drugs, cheated on tests, held on to hatred, even wished people dead? I have done that and worse, but still He calls me His own, His daughter, His chosen one. My freedom came with a price – Christ’s death on a criminal’s cross.

I complain about the losses I have endured in my life. I lost my childhood when I was abused as a 3^rd and 4^th grader. My innocence was lost. But, I am redeemed through Christ. He has given me a second chance to experience this childhood through my children’s eyes. I have lost family members and loved ones – but only here on earth. They are in heaven awaiting my arrival and to be reunited again. Money? Really, how selfish and self-centered. I have been to Ethiopia and seen poverty yet I complain because we live paycheck to paycheck? Who cares if I can’t wash my car this week or get pizza for dinner. Independence again stares at me in the face. It is hard to be so controlled by another that you have no self left. Kenny did that to me. I lost who I was. I became who he wanted me to be. But, even though I struggle to find who I really am, it is only in Christ that I can ever truly know. He created me in His image, in the secret of my mother’s womb I was formed. I am still that child with wide eyed innocence. And only when I fully give up my control to Christ can I fully find that girl again. I see her coming out every once in awhile. But rather than sharing her with others, I tend to keep her hidden – safe from evil. Only the Lord is my true Protector, Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, Giver, Father. He is the one True thing that will never fail. Lord let this child be free again!

So, as I finish out this week of life, I am reminded that in Christ I am free, loved, cherished, hopeful, innocent, and beautiful. Lord, remind me today, tomorrow and the next when all the sorrow and pain return that only through your boundless grace and mercy can I become the girl I once knew.

The Jungle

As many of you know, I LOVE Survivor. I have watched it since the first season except seasons 3 and 4. It is the most mindless, dumb, totally unbelievable “reality” show I watch. But, I love seeing who are the villains, the nice guys, the nice girls, the crazies, etc. We live in a world full of them and this show just exemplifies them. This season has been filled with all types. The best part of this season is Matt. He is a Christian who appears to be only there because God called him there and he is willing to stay as long as God allows. From what they show, it even looks like he is converting some of them and encouraging others.

 

Survivor got me thinking about relationships. What if we put into practice what the show encourages – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast? Now, in the real world, this is not a good strategy for friendships, marriages and families. Relationships don’t need a “sole survivor”. But, what about abuse? Isn’t that what being married to an abuser is like? How long can you outwit – you always have to read his mind and anticipate his needs and expectations. Can you outplay him? I became very good at anticipating what Kenny would do in certain situations. In the end I outplayed his game. I had my own rules he didn’t know about. I knew how to set aside money to buy things I needed. I learned the best way to word answers to avoid his anger. Finally, I outlasted him. Now, for the record he left me for his girlfriend back home. But, he continued to keep me dangling until I made the chose to leave for good. He continued to try to manipulate, but over the months it lost its effectiveness. Unfortunately not everyone can outlast. There are many women every year who end up with broken ribs, noses, necks, arms, legs, etc. all at the hands of their abuser. There are women who, like me, are so confused by what he told me and what reality was I was emotionally dead. There are also women who have died at the hand of their abuser. I was steps away, I know that now. His wrath and anger were building. The signs had been there for years. I am so thankful I was able to survive my previous marriage. I don’t know where he is now or if he has changed. I pray the Lord opens his heart and he hears the truth one day. In heaven it will all fade away, but for today I still ask for courage and strength to continue to outlast and to be strong. I have no desire to ever see him or hear from him. Until recently, I was terrified of seeing him. I know now I could tolerate it, but I wouldn’t like it.

 

As I work through my past in counseling, small groups, and domestic violent support group, I am constantly reminded of women who are at different parts of their journey. Many ask my how I survived. Last night in one of my groups, the leader talked about a thick jungle. That is what life is like sometimes. So it got me thinking.  What does my jungle look like? Well, of course I need tools and supplies. I suggest a machete first. This can be used to clear paths, cut firewood, cut food, dig, etc. In life, it can be our protection against the darkness as we travel through the jungle. It opens up a new path – the path we are asked to take by God. I have an old path through my jungle. But this path is beaten down, rocky, thorny, and it leads to despair, shame, guilty, worthlessness, anger, fear, etc. It isn’t very appealing because it is my old path. It is well worn and comfortable. This other un-cleared path is hot, scratchy, dangerous and holds snakes, and other scary creatures. Isn’t that how life is? We have a choice. We can choose to stay on our destructive path or we can follow God in the unknown path KNOWING it is and will be dangerous. But, because it is God’s path I can trust He will help take care of snakes, spiders, etc.

 

In my newly cut path I have faced the Serpent of lies and deception telling me I am not good enough, it is all my fault, I am trash and I am unworthy of love. I have seen death of cherished creatures and I have seen creatures that look like death. I have suffered hunger (for love, safety, stability), cold (from others, loss of work, my family), heat (illness, weariness) and thirst (knowing I don’t belong here). Yet with each THWACK! of the machete I am one step closer to my destination – forever with the Creator, the Healer, the Protector, the Lover, and my Savior. Can’t you see the why we struggle? Isn’t better to work hard and earn the outcome than just have it handed to you? I didn’t want my abuse, but I am thankful God allowed me to endure the pain so that I can see His Glory as I enter His Kingdom.

 

We also need a water bottle. This will help keep us hydrated and functioning. As I worked through my path I noticed I was almost out of water. Since there are no drinking fountains or anything in the jungle, I had only one choice – the Living Water. Yep, Jesus filled my water bottle when I was most thirsty. We also need insect repellent for those pesky bugs that can bite and turn into nasty things. Isn’t that how people are. They speak little lies in our heads and eventually they grow like cancer in our hearts. We also need energy bars. Although Jesus may have fasted for forty days, I don’t think I could cut a path through the jungle and not eat. I notice that when I haven’t eaten, Satan tends to attack more. So consider the energy bars like an energy field keeping Satan away. Finally, we need band-aids. The branches and vines and thorns like to leave a lot of cuts all over our body. I prefer princess or transformer band-aids, but whatever. The nice thing about them is once the wound is healed you can put store it in a travelling garbage sack. All that is left of the wound is a scar. My life has been full of wounds requiring band-aids. Some of the wounds healed and left no mark, while others left some pretty hefty scars. But, just because we have scars doesn’t mean it still hurts. Through Christ our wounds are healed.

 

While I walk through the jungle yielding my sharp object, I do admit I sometimes picture the branches and leaves as the people who have hurt me. As I chop in I think of someone who I thought was a friend that said “Boy she really let herself go” and I cut down that lie. I chop down the teasing I endured. Rather than feel the burn of a backhand or a pull of my hair, I destroy the branch that could do the same. I am realizing it is ok to be angry. It was when I took that anger out on my kids or my family and worst, my husband that my anger wasn’t ok. Instead now I write, I pray, I journal, I clean, and sometimes I draw or come up with visuals to help me work through the pain. I still turn to ice cream and popcorn for comfort instead of healthier alternatives such as prayer, or the bible, or nothing, but I have to remember I have not reached my destination. Just like when Edmund, Lucy, Prince Caspian and Eustace made it to Aslan’s Country, they could not enter. So it is with me, it is not time for me to enter His Kingdom. Only God knows the timing

 

Sometimes I like to look back on my path to see how far I have come. Sometimes I stop and plant flowers and gardens at points that need beauty. I have a garden full of daisies and carnations for my lost childhood, I have a pond stocked with fish with green bean plants nearby to pick for my Grandpa Stanturf, I have tulips and daffodils for my previous marriage, I have lilies for not being able to have biological children, I have raspberries for when I lost my father-in-law, I have wild flowers and butterflies for my children’s birth parents the loss they have suffered, and right now I am building a grove of quacking aspen representing the strength and completion of this part of my journey. I am ready to continue on clearing my path. I know the vines and branches are tangled with conflict in many things right now, but I am ready. My strength has returned and God is forging ahead of me already.

 

So, what does your jungle hold? Are you a survivor, or do you feel like you are constantly getting voted out? My hope is that at you read this you can look back and see the path you used to be on and turn to the one God’s waiting for you on. Pick up your machete and start chopping away! But remember if you get scared call out. Jesus is there, always there. He wants to crown you sole survivor of the jungle of your life.

 

Sandra

Loss of love

How many of you have lost love? My husband is always teasing me that I live truly believing in fairy tales. I keep asking him “Why can’t it happen?” He just chuckles.

 

When I first married Kenny, my ex-husband, I had a distorted view of the fairy tale. I didn’t need rescuing because I went no where, I was given everything I “needed”, our “castle” was all we needed, I was allowed to visit friends if I was good, and one time he even got me a little furry friend that I could talk to. Most importantly, the truth was, there was no one left to make my happy ever after. The tale was that I wasn’t allowed to leave without permission, I didn’t buy things for myself, he decided where we lived, and he almost killed my furry friend because of things I did.

 

Lately his lies have snuck back into my head. I am so disappointed they were still here! “You aren’t good enough! What kind of a person/wife are you? If you were just prettier maybe I would stay here. Why do you always fight with me? If you wouldn’t have questioned me NONE of this would have happened. You are worthless. You are so embarrassing. I can’t believe I have stayed with you this long.” The lies go on and on and on. I am still amazed that one human being can do so much damage. With each tear that fell, each beat of my heart, my dream of love and forever became distorted and a lie. How many of you have been there? Not just from abuse, but from the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a job, a friendship, a home, a marriage, an innocent childhood. We all suffer from loss, but most importantly we suffer from the loss of love.

 

I am here today to tell you fairy tales ARE true! There is a prince charming who is ready to take you away. You just have to be ready for the bridegroom when he comes to claim his bride! He is clothed in white and comes on horseback. He is love. He is gentleness. He is humble. He is strong. He protects. He does everything we dream in a prince. He is Jesus – the lover of my soul. It has taken me so long to see this. I spent so many nights crying and wondering if love will ever find me. But He already had. He found me before I even existed. He was there during my dark times with my ex-husband. He was there when my heart was broken at the death of the ones I love. He is still here, wooing me into His arms. He is my protector, my strength, my shield, my Love. He will never let me down, He will never leave me, He will never lie or cheat on me, and He will never put me down.

 

I also have realized that part of my fairy tale is that Christ did pick an earthly prince for me. He may not always be truly a prince charming, but I am not always the wonderful princess. Last night while talking with God I kept asking Him “What am I doing wrong here? Why can’t I just figure this out?” He just kept saying “learn to love” over and over. So I turned to Isaiah 42 and read. I saw and learned what it means to love others even when I don’t want to. He showed me how to love patiently, love kindly, love completely, love quietly, love humbly, love respectfully and on and on. I continued working with God as to what part of loving I needed to work on each person in my life. How can I love George? How can I love Giovanni? How can I love my mother? At the very end of working through a pretty good list, I am now at how can I love Kenny, my ex? This is a tough one. I don’t know. But thankfully as my Prince and I dance tonight during prayer singing “I know you I danced with you once upon a dream!” He will probably show me how I can love my ex better, love him as Christ has always loved him.

 

So, ask yourselves, how can you love better? While you are held in your Prince’s boundless grace, learn to love like you never have before!

 

Sandra

War Veterans

I am proud to know many war veterans from all different wars. WWII, Korean, Vietnam, Gulf War, Panama, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan are just some of them. I lost my father-in-law because of disabilities he had from the Vietnam War. My father is fighting many battles with his health because of the Gulf War. But, I know these men and women that have fought for our country and they would do it all over again. I am proud of them. I weep for them. I pray for them. I love them. Sometime I wonder what it would have been like to be standing in the jungle, or sandstorm, or in a submarine fighting for freedom. It must have been scary. I know my father and father-in-law suffer from memories of what they saw and did. I know many people suffer this way.

 

So, are we as Christians any different? In many ways, we are not. We just fight a different battle. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12. Sometimes it is hard to feel like a hero when you don’t even know what you are fighting. I was at the Abuse Recovery Ministry Services (A.R.M.S.) banquet on Saturday night when one of the speakers mentioned that survivors of domestic violence are veterans. It got me thinking. I am a veteran to the war I battled for over seven years. At times I almost lost my life, and at times I raised my hands in victory. Each battle, however, has left scars. But these scars symbolize the freedom I feel today. I am no longer a slave to a human man. He doesn’t control me. Sometimes I let him through PTSD or coping behaviors, but with Christ I am able to continually overcome these chains of bondage.

 

I think anyone who has struggled with bondage and has been released through Christ is a war veteran. That bondage could be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, spending, TV, Facebook, internet, work – anything that keeps them separate from God. God teaches us in Ephesians 6 to put on our armor of God. I pray this every morning with my daughter on my way to work. The belt of truth, shoes of peace, breastplate of righteousness, helmet of salvation, shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit. If we were not in battle why would we need armor? I encourage you pick up your armor and fight this battle we are in. We only have one enemy – Satan. We are not to fight each other, but the lies we believe, we hear, the temptations before us, and the darkness. Just like war veterans receive disability for their efforts we receive eternal life for ours. Heaven is our disability pay. It is where we will go to be fully healed with no more battles to face.

 

I encourage you to look for the struggles and battles you face every day and remember that you have the power and strength to conquer and win. “I can do ALL things in Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13. Remember He holds you in Boundless Grace promising an eternal victory.

 

Sandra

Lessons Learned From Lot

,Last week I was sitting through my Domestic Violence group and God reminded me of the story of Lot. Lot’s story can be found in Genesis 13-19. Here is a recap (my version, sorry for any mistakes or misinterpretation).

So Abram and Lot leave Egypt. They both were very wealthy. But, their workers were fighting each other. So, Abram being so wise decided they needed to go their separate ways. Being the great Uncle Abram was, he told Lot to pick where he wanted to live and Abraham would go the opposite way. You Well, Lot chose the beautiful valley of Jordan. Abram went the other way to the valley of Canaan.  At first Lot lived outside of the city walls. He did business when needed with the city people, but he wasn’t “one” of them. He continued this way for a while. Then we read that he moves closer toward the city walls. I don’t know if his wife wanted to be closer, or they wanted a bigger house, or what but they moved. Eventually, over time, they said “forget it” and just moved in to the city. Well the cities were corrupt and full of evil people and deeds. Lust, sex, drugs, all that icky sinful stuff God tells us to avoid and not partake in were prevalent throughout Sodom and Gomorrah. God was sad. He told Abraham he wanted to destroy the cities with fire – to get them off the face of the world.  Abraham pleaded that if he could find righteous people to not destroy the cities. Abraham and God went back and forth over the number of righteous people to find. Finally God said ok. God sent two messengers to warn Lot of the coming fire and for him to escape with his family. They warned him to leave the city. Lot packed up his family and they left. Now, the angels warned them family not to look back, and that darn Lot’s wife did. So, she is now a pillar of salt.

So, what does this have to do with abuse and life, you may ask. Well, it got me thinking. How was I so dumb to continue to allow the abuse to happen and even to stay? I hear people all the time make comments about women in abusive relationships. “Why don’t they just leave? I mean, he is such a jerk.” What they don’t know is how hard it is. It is hard to stay, but it is even harder to leave. They control us financially, verbally, through our jobs, our clothes, our homes, our kids. I was with him for over 8 years and the idea of leaving was rare. You see, my relationship started out just like Lot. In the beginning our relationship was wonderful. We laughed, held hands, trusted and fell in love. Sure, there were “fights”, but he hooked me into believing I was special. I was wanted. I was needed. Then, like Lot, we moved a little closer to those city walls. This is where the abuse started. It is like doing business with evil. You know it is wrong, but once it is complete you move away and tend to forget how hard it was. Kenny was really good at twisting our “disagreements” to make it look like I was at fault. He was very subtle and manipulative in his words. At first, it was very gentle “reprimands” after the initial yelling and hitting. “You know, I love you right? But we need to talk. When you look at another guy I just get so jealous. I love you so much I just can’t bear the thought of you liking someone else.” Ahh, how sweet, I thought. Isn’t that what girls want? Their men they love to be jealous of other men? Of course, over time we moved fully into the city walls. The walls protected me from the outside world’s judgment – it was true because he told me. He kept building up the city wall with his lies and abuse. Pretty soon I lived in a fortress built out of fear, manipulation, shame and guilt. I didn’t trust the world outside of our city. Everyone was out to get me. They wanted to destroy our love. That is what he told me. No one understood us – another lie. I was really convinced if I would work harder on who I was and could be he would love me even more. I really thought that jealousy was a measure of love. That if I messed up one more time he would leave. He was so perfect any girl would want him. I had to keep him – no matter what.  Everyone (well, most everyone) thought he was so sweet and took such good care of me. I always got roses and calls to say how much he loved me. Little did they know the roses followed yelling, abuse, and the hate and anger he poured out on me.

Thankfully, God loves me so much that as I was drawn away from the abuse, whether by choice or not, I did not turn to a pillar of salt. I have looked back, many times. I used to wonder what happened to my perfect life, my “amazing” husband and wonder what I did wrong. But, as God heals me and helps me remove the bricks of my city wall I can look back and see how far I have travelled. I see the city of abuse for what it really is – despair, fear, anger, darkness, dirty, evil, etc. It does not appeal to me anymore. Instead I look ahead to the city of hope, the city of grace, the city of light, the city of love. This is God’s city. It is my stepping stone to heaven. It is where I live now. In my city there is still sorrow and hurt and fear, but God’s presence helps me work through these and remember that they do not control me anymore. God’s city doesn’t have walls to hold me in, but to hold evil out. There is beauty here. A beauty I never could imagine existed. Do you see it? The sunrises, sunsets, a child’s laugh, a friends hug, a husbands embrace. That is my new city. I am free from the bondage that held me for so long. The Spirit moves me to truth, safety, love, and hope.

I hope that you can relate to what I wrote today. It doesn’t have to be abuse that is your Sodom and Gomorrah; it could be drugs, work, husband, wife, anything that keeps you from seeing the Truth in the City of Light and Love. So, my dear friends remember to hold to the Truth of our Savior and to trust that we are all held by His Boundless Grace. Let God lead you to your city and see the beauty that it holds.

Sandra

I WILL listen next time

Yesterday I felt the Spirit move me. He told me to do something. I asked Him if He was sure. "I can make it Lord, its all good." I even asked my peer if we could make it, and he agreed with me, we can make it. Yet, we didn’t make it. Scraaaape. My work Jeep slid and scraped the post. I should have listened to the Spirit telling me to go a different way, because then I wouldn't have slid into the pole. Ahhhh, life lessons.

I did surprise myself through it all and I never stressed about it. I think it is because God was still there. Even though I didn't listen to His gentle leading, and made my own choice, He still comforted me afterwards. He reminded me that even when I don't listen, I don't obey and I choose the outcome based on my intellect, His love is still there. Still just as big, still never ending and still just as strong. Love never fails.

I haven’t always felt His presence, especially lately. I am currently wondering through the wilderness of life – just like Moses did. Even though God may have called me here into this wilderness, doesn’t mean He has abandoned me. Of course, some days I do feel like I am alone, struggling, wondering if anyone cares, wondering what the point of it all is. And then, in my darkest times, God speaks to my heart. "I love you, child. I rejoice in you. I dance over you. I created you!" We are never alone. I am so thankful I found my way back to Him. I remember some of my darkest days feeling like it was me against God. Satan convinced me I was worthless, unwanted, unloved, pure trash. Then I finally saw the Truth and realized what a lie I had lived. God doesn't feel that way. He has been by my side the whole time. Always there. Do you believe this? Even in your darkest times, do you Trust His promise to never leave you or forsake you? I pray today you do. Today I will remember He is always there holding me in unfailing love, boundless Grace, and mercy.

Sandra

 

I had a bad dream

My poor baby has been waking up every night from nightmares of monsters. All she ever says is that they are big and scary. I hug and kiss her and tuck her back in. Over and over if I have too. It makes me a little tired after awhile, as you can imagine. But I rejoice knowing I am her mama and she comes to me when she is scared. When I was really little, I did the same with my mom. She would lay with me, hug me, and retuck me in my bed. I felt safe. I knew I was safe with my dad because he was a police man and he took care of “bad things”.

 

Unfortunately I won’t be able to be there for my kids every time they are scared. It is not that I don’t want to be there, but sometimes I won’t be. I try to teach them “Have no fear, Jesus is hear!” and they can cry out to Him for safety and He will give it to them. In some form they understand, but I admit I worry about the day when I can’t be there for them. In some ways I haven’t been there. I wasn’t there when my oldest boys suffered through divorce, alcoholism, abuse, name calling, rejection, abandonment – I just wasn’t part of their lives. I wasn’t there for my little adopted babies when they watched their parents die, when their loved ones sent them away to a “better” life, when the dark people force her. I weep now just thinking of the things ALL my children suffered all because of the broken world. I look at my life and I remember asking God “Where are you? Do you see what he is doing? You don’t care.” I remember wondering if my parents were ever going to know everything I went through. I was so afraid of the things that happened to me when I was so little.

 

I, too, have had nightmares this week. A lot of them. Fear of my father dying, my husband leaving, my friends leaving, and my children disappearing. Every morning I have woken up exhausted and scared. I just wanted to roll bubble wrap around us and order groceries in and never leave. I was going to force safety on us forever – well until the money ran out I guess. But what is fear? Does it change my circumstances? Does it force my ex-husband to never come find me again? Does it keep my husband with me? Or does it protect my child from a predator like I suffered through? No, absolutely not. God is not fear – He is strength and endurance. He is the path to follow – always. He is who created me, molded me and picked me to love on those in my life. I can’t live in fear of losing everything. Didn’t Job do that and he still survived. Didn’t I lose everything once? Doesn’t God tell us we have to lose everything and we will gain everything? He promises we will not be weary or faint, but we will soar like wings on eagles. So today, I hold to the truth of Love, Promise and Trust that the Lord shows us. The same things I teach my children. Do not be afraid, daughter, God is with you always. He only wants you to feel His strength, His presence. He holds us gently when we weep, and He goes before us moving the enemy out of our path. His path is truth and light. So, just as a child cries for its mother in the middle of the night, cry out to your Protector when you are scared and the monsters (hate, shame, guilt, lust, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, addiction, lies, etc) are all around you. He will tuck you back in safely in your room. He will watch over you as you fall back to sleep, knowing and trusting you are safe and held boundless by His Grace.

 

Sandra

A Fish Out Of Water ...

So for Kevin and Mikaya's wedding they gave a person at each table a Beta fish. Of course being the parents of the groom we ended up with extras - well three extras. So, of course each of my little kids picked their own fish. Cool, huh. My cat Hebgen thinks so. If any of you have been to my house you know we are OCD about keeping our doors closed - for a reason my kids have learned. I came home one night after dinner with some friends. We were all sitting down to play a game when Caleb came running out of his room and said "My fish is missing and there is no water!" Malcom and I ran in the room to find one fish tank tipped over empty. We search for the fish, but deep down I think we both believed the fish was is in the kitty. Just as I was consoling Caleb, Malcom said “There it is!” We put it back into water and through a miracle the fish survived. We calculated the fish had been out of the water for well over 45 minutes. Crazy! And yes, you would think that children learn when their fish almost died to keep the door shut, but alas, we had another fish out of water incident with the same fish! And yet another miracle as Caleb’s fish apparently has at least 3 lives.

 

So, it got me thinking, when have I been that fish out of water? When was my life turned upside down and I was forced to survive on my own without my lifeline? My first thought brought me back to when Kenny left me for another woman, and I was left standing wondering, “What next?” I also thought of the time I was left crying in his car wondering what I did wrong when I came home with the wrong colored prom dress (wrong color according to him). Or when I was forced to do things I didn’t want to. That is how it is sometimes as the life of a survivor of abuse. So many times I instantly go to the bad, rather than the good. I forget all the things in my life that were beautiful, right, safe, loving. I forget the people who truly cared for me, teachers who prayed for me, a father who would die for me, and a mother who loved me. Even after he left and the abuse and control was gone immediately, it was never far away mentally. I would try to be that fish out of water with my friends. I would try to be who they wanted or what others wanted. I tried drinking, dating, eating, dieting, starving, gorging, and any other self-destructive behavior. Of course, they never worked. For some reason, these coping behaviors just weren’t keeping me alive. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into depression, addiction, and self-hate.

 

As I write this God is revealing to me my truth behind being a fish out of water. It is not about stepping out of normalcy, or jumping off the band-wagon, or stepping outside of my protective box. No, for me it was about stepping outside of the Living Water offered by Christ. The Water that was there my entire life, I just never saw it or accepted it. I relied on my ex-husband to supply my lifeline. He was supposed to be my survival, not my death. After he left, I relied on friends, family, my new husband, and my children to fulfill the need and desire to survive. But, as I look back over all that I did to survive, I realize I never really did make it or survive. In some ways I did if you count me still alive and most days mentally there. But spiritually I was dead. For years I struggled with control. I tried to control every aspect of my life – our finances, my husband, my children, work, friends, church, you name it I did it. I really thought I was ok. I convinced myself I was moving on. I became a Christian. I volunteered at the church. I was the perfect lady – on the outside. Inside I screamed for the guilt and shame in me to stop. I hated who I was. I told myself I was unlovable, ugly, stupid – all those things that had been pounded into me over the years. Then, things started changing. I started noticing things God was doing, doors that were opening, people that wanted to help me. I started counseling, attending intensive women’s classes; I started sharing about my abuse. I was becoming, well, transparent. Of course, it got worse before I got better. My health went (and still is) going downhill, I gained a lot of weight, my depression worsened, and I became apathetic to everything. But, through the love and support of my husband, my kids, my family and my friends, I persevered through it all. And the most important thing started happening, God continued to knock on my heart and show me what His living water was and what it can and will do. He is the only thing that keeps me going. He reminds me who I am in Him – beautifully, wonderfully made. I don’t need alcohol, or food, or lies, or friends, or kids, or a husband to mold who I was already created to be. I only need Christ – He alone is Life. So, next time I start to allow myself the “luxury” of deciding who I am, I have to remember that even though a fish out of water can survive for a little while, or even a few times, at some point, the fish won’t survive. So, instead, I will seek and stay in the Living Water. The Living Water that holds me in His Boundless Grace.

 

Sandra

Round 1 - Leaving

Years ago when I was still with Kenny, I can remember sitting in my apartment asking myself “Why am I here?  Is this what marriage is about?” The only experience I had with marriage was my parents and my husband’s parents. They both seemed to show love and their fights were not really much. My dad never hit my mom, or called her fat, or threatened to leave her. He never cheated on her, or lied about money, or manipulated her. Sure they had issues, who doesn’t? But underneath it all, there was true love. They get to celebrate their 30^th anniversary this year. Congrats! But, I didn’t feel that way. I remember before we got engaged, I felt like I HAD to marry him. I didn’t deserve anything else. No one would really love me. At least, those were the lies I believed. I was filled with fear – fear of him, fear of being alone, but mostly fear of never being loved again.

 

Was what we had love? In some ways, yes. I loved him with all my heart. I gave up everything for him. In a weird and twisted way, I think he did love me too. Maybe it was the love of the power, the control, the manipulation, but somehow deep down there had to have been love. It was love that kept me there for over seven years. As much as I would question if our relationship was normal, I really don’t think I would have left him. I would have stayed with him, raised any children we may have had and continued to become nothing. Eventually something would probably have changed, either death, or illness, or something, but I don’t think I was strong enough to leave.

 

God knew this. He knew I felt hopeless, like I had no way out. He tried for so many years to get me out of there. He gave me “safe” friends that I could have trusted; he gave me loving parents and a brother who would have stopped at NOTHING to get me out of there. But ultimately, I chose to stay. Till death do us part. Thankfully it didn’t come to that. Instead, God opened the door for me in a sad way. I didn’t choose, at first, to end our marriage. He left me. For another girlfriend. He had many girlfriends throughout our relationship. Apparently this one was more important than all the others. I was devastated. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do or how to cope with this “emptiness” in my life. I begged him to come back. I drove 6 hours every weekend hoping he would change his mind. Looking back I see how pathetic I had become. He kept me going with his “I don’t know what I want” for months. The life of the victim of domestic violence is hard to break. From an outside perspective most people would say how “easy” it was to break it off. But to me it was harder to deal with than the abuse. I had become who he created and my “master” wasn’t there to direct me anymore.

 

Finally, God showed me the second open door – pathways. I had two choices at the next door. The path that lead to the continued fear and darkness, or a new path of light, promise and hope. I started on the path of darkness, because that is what I knew. I drove around one night looking for his car. Finally at 3 am I saw it at her house. It was at that point I back tracked and started on the path to the light. Once I got back home, I contacted a lawyer and started the process of divorce. This was the wisest choice I had made in years.

 

The process of divorce was difficult. Who wants to leave someone they loved for so long? But, for the first time I really believed that I had choices. I have always had choices. Unfortunately, he was really good at disguising my freedom to choose. Through Christ’s redemption and restoration I have taken back my freedom. Christ reminds me from time to time that I still am free to choose. Some days I fall back and become scared again, afraid I will lose everything and become alone again. But, I have to remind myself those are just lies from the devil. God frees us from these worries and these fears. Trials and problems will still arise, but He is there always for us. God held my hand and led me down the path of freedom. Sometimes he had to carry me, but He is there every step of the way. I encourage women, and men, if you are in an abusive relationship look to God for His leading. You have the choice to leave. There are many safe places for you to go if you don’t know of anywhere else. No matter what your abuser says, it is not your fault, you don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve freedom, joy and love. Not control, prison and hate. Let God open doors for you. Contact a local women’s shelter. If you are in the Washington/Oregon/Idaho area, contact A.R.M.S. at www.armsonline.org. They are a great resource and help for women and men struggling through abuse. You can win Round 1. Remember you are held by the One who created you – held in His boundless grace.

 

Sandra

 

A fly on the wall - Revenge

Who wants revenge on someone who hurt them? How many of you plot out in your head what you would do if you could punish someone who has hurt you or your family? This isn’t a trick question, but one that we don’t bring up that often. For the last twelve years I have thought of many acts of revenge I could give back to my ex-husband. Some secret punishment where no one would know it was me. Some of them, I must admit, were not so pretty punishments. I mean, really, he hurt me. So, I am going to hurt him. I won’t go into details about all the horrific ways I wanted to gain revenge on this monster. He ruined me, my life, my future, and yet he walks away with his next victim as if nothing happened. There was no trial to convict him of the crimes he committed against me. There was no police man who felt sorry for me and fought for justice. No, just me wondering what had happened to me. What was I to do next? He continued to blame me for all his problems. As time went on and I created my “happy” life, there were days I just wish he could be a fly on my wall and see how “happy” I was and that I was fine without him. Or I wish I could be a fly on his wall and see how miserable he is and how bad his marriage is and that he still did the same things to her he did to me. But, that was all a lie. I was miserable. I was full of fear, hate, shame, guilt. Every time I went back to Montana I was afraid I would see him. I began to be afraid to go anywhere even in Washington. I would see him everywhere I went. I do feel bad for his wife now. I wouldn’t want him to hurt her the way he hurt me, yet I questioned if the abuse and control really was my entire fault. Would she be better at following his rules or being the perfect wife? Or was I just stupid because I couldn’t keep him? All the lies Satan convinced me of became my new abuser. I lived this way for so long until God showed me the truth.

 

What does God say about revenge? He sought vengeance on the people who walked a way from Him. Places like Sodom and Gomorrah, people like Saul, Judas, Joseph’s brothers, and Pharaoh with the plagues. Funny thing about those destructions, they were due to acts of rebellion again God. It was God’s judgment for the people, not our own. If God wanted humans to react to events in this way, he would have to command us to do this. Instead he tells us that revenge is his alone. Wasn’t the abuse given to me by Kenny against God? Did Kenny treat God’s daughter as Christ shows his love to the church? No, not at all. I was a possession, used for entertainment and fulfilling his needs. So, who did Kenny go against? Me or God? Most definitely GOD! As I have worked through this healing process, I am learning that God’s disciplines are far greater than anything my weak human mind could come up with. I continue to go to God and His word when the darkness of revenge fills up my heart.

 

I know God created me to be who I am. I may not be skinny, Brooke Shields beautiful, athletic, blonde, rich, or the life of the party, but I am God’s daughter. I was created in their (God the Father, God the Son and God the Spirit) image. Unfortunately for me, so was Kenny. Now, over time my body is not what God created whether because of choice or outside influences, but that doesn’t mean I lose my title of princess. But, what about Kenny? With every word thrown at me, every slap, every rule given did God’s love diminish for him? Absolutely not! That is the beauty of His love is that it never leaves no matter what we do or have done. It does not mean there are not consequences but ultimately if we accept Jesus as our Savior, and believe He is the Son of the living God, then nothing can separate us from His eternity – heaven, His love. Of course, that Truth has caused many years of anger, bitterness, fear, and hatred. I would ask God, “How can someone so evil still be loved by your? How can he still have a chance at joy in heaven when he robbed me of any joy on earth?” It just didn’t seem fair. But what about me? How many times have I thought bad about someone, or called someone names, or treated people badly? Am I any different some days to the abuse I endured all those years?

 

God’s love and salvation does not mean what Kenny did was ok or that I should be fine and just move on. It just means that God has something bigger for me, for him, for you. He wants me to be back with Him where I belong. He wants Kenny to come to Him, leaving behind the evils and darkness in his heart. For all I know he has done this. I doubt I will ever know this side of heaven. On many occasions, I do pray for his salvation. Some days are easier than others. But God has softened my heart towards him and he has shown me that he was and is broken. We are all broken and separated from God. This is not our home, we belong in heaven and our hearts and minds know it. So, today I ask you to search God’s love to find a way to let go of revenge. To allow God’s arms to hold you and you work through giving up the revenge. His Grace is boundless and He wants you to follow Him and His examples of love. Some of you may not be ready for this, and that is ok. Ask God to continue to be with you as you continue your journey through healing and on to freedom in Christ. Look for things in your life God has placed there specifically for you. You never know, some day you may be sharing your testimony of grace with someone else!

 

Sandra

 

If only I ...

How many times have I said "If only I would have done what he said." or "If only I would have worn my hair the way he liked it." or "If only I would be a better wife, he would never do this." I have been out of my abusive relationship for almost twelve years and yet I still say "If only..." The sad thing is, I know the truth of who I was in the relationship, yet my heart still blames me for what I did "wrong". I still wonder what was so wrong with me that he did all he did, and in the end that he left me for someone else. Oh, if only....

But what if I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to keep him with me? Where would I be today? Would I even be alive? I know mentally I would be dead. I was almost dead when he left. There was only a little bit of hope left in me. It was through that tiny piece of hope that I have been able to overcome my blame game and if only's. I held tightly onto that hope for about ten years. During those ten years I married my amazing, wonderful and Godly husband, I adopted 4 little children, and I became a mother to three older children through the marriage. It was the love of my husband and children that finally forced that hope I held hidden, to be surfaced. I started to face my abuse - not my abuser - but my abuse. I started the healing process relying on myself to "control" my attitude and beliefs. Soon after God revealed Himself to me. He showed me the Truth of who I am in Him. He showed me His presence in my life - my entire life. He was there for every tear, every shiver, every blow, every word. He is still with me as I continue to face the demons and negatives of my past. My abuse is not who I am. That was a lie I used to believe. My abuse is a part of me, a scar on my heart, but it is not all of me. It is an experience I can use to speak deep into the hearts of women. His enduring love for me has shown me all the if only's in the world will NEVER change who I am in Christ. I can't tell Him "If only I sinned less, He would love me more." or "If only I prayed more, He would be present more." These are lies from Satan. Lies used to stop me from following the call of my life.

I have a choice. I had choices in the past. I had the choice to tell someone about my abuse. Really, I did. But, at the time I didn't think I had a choice. I thought no one would ever love me again. I thought I was ugly, unworthy, tainted. I know now that I had the choice to stand up to my abuser and say that I am worthy, I am lovable, and I am wanted! It is through faith that we can choose to overcome our fears. It was easier for me to stay with Kenny than it was to leave him! That was another lie I believed. Eve had a choice when she brought the fruit to her husband. Adam had a choice when he at the fruit. We all have choices to make in life. I chose to live in fear of Kenny for over ten years AFTER he left. Today, with God by my side, I can boldly say that I don't worry about Kenny and I running into each other anytime soon. I know that God will provide safety for me at such time as that happens. I chose not to listen to Kenny's and Satan's lies that if only I was prettier, thinner, nicer, smarter, etc. I would have kept him. I know that his wife now has probably been abused. I feel sad for her. We both were convinced he was "such a good and loving guy".

Ladies out there, hear me on this. God loves you and wants to be your protector. He wants to be your one and only. He doesn't follow any if only's or the blame game. He collects our tears and keeps track of them. Let Him be your shelter, your safety, your Love. Let Him hold you by His Boundless Grace.

Held

I love Natalie Grant's song "Held". It reminds me that no matter what is hoping on, He still holds me tightly. It is hard to believe some days, I admit. If God really holds me then how can evil infiltrate? Isnt He supposed to be strong and mighty? Then how do I keep ending up with people who walk over me, yell at me, use me. What will break the cycle? Me, God, others who love me.
It is hard when you are in the middle of the abuse to feel like there is any help. Then when help comes it can be in the form of more abuse, addiction, control and loss of freedom. After Kenny left I chased after him crying "What am I supposed to do without you? Who will take care of me?" I started partying and trying to find "that" got who was the answer to my dreams. I became nothing - scared, alone, worthless. Even though Kenny was gone my life was still the same underneath the surface. No one knew my dark secrets. Who could ever really love this nasty girl. I am unloveable.

In my darkest hour, God reached down and touched my heart. It wasn't love at first sight for Christ and me, instead it was a compromise. Of course, He loves me at first thought. He continued to seek me at all times, pestering me until I gave in. Eventually, I threw up my life praying He would get me through life.

I remember as a kid climbing into my Daddy's lap. I remember life was safe, secure and full of abounding joy. Somehow my life with and after Kenny destroyed my perceptions on reality. It was dark, evil, tainted. I just wanted to stay in my Daddys lap feeling safe.

We do have this option - Christ. Since accepting Him as my Lord and
Savior I can feel Him holding me in His arms. I tell my little girls "When you ate scared remember who holds you." So, next time you are scared, feel His arms holding, carrying, lifting, and protecting you. His arms are strong and can handle it.

How did it all start?

I recently heard someone say “How did it all start? When did I start to believe this life was ok?” Do you ever wonder that? Here is my story.

 

I met the man of my dreams when I was 15 years old. I picked him out of the yearbook and I told my best friend “That is the guy I want to date!” She asked me if I was sure, and yes I was determined. This has been one of my hang ups for the last few years – I chose him, I chose to let the monster into my life. Through friends and my brother I finally started talking with Kenny. Oh my, he was everything I wanted. He wore wranglers, listened to Country music, and I thought was very handsome. I would love to fill you in about the next few months, but I don’t remember. Not because I am too old now, I just don’t remember a lot of the next 8 years. The first time I remember his attitude just wasn’t quite right was during study hall. I was thirsty and Kenny and I were talking with a friend of his. The friend offered a sip of his coke. So I took a sip. No big deal, right? Once school was out and Kenny and I were heading home I could tell he was mad about something. So, I asked him. “Do you like sharing spit with him?” he spat at me. “What?! I just took a sip of his pop, no big deal.” Smack! He slapped me. I never took sips of others drinks after that. I look back and think, I was appalled at what he did, yet I really thought it wouldn’t happen again. I mean, he said he was sorry and that he overreacted, right? It wouldn’t happen again. But, it did. At first it was in very subtle ways. Comments he would make about my hair, my clothes, my friends. Just enough criticism that I felt I needed to change to keep him. See, I struggled with depression, low esteem, and past sexual abuse. I was broken; I didn’t know what “love” was. Don’t mistake my past, I have two great parents who raised me well and the best they could. I haven’t even told them all of the struggles I had back them. They love me and I know that. But, my past set me up for Kenny. I wanted him to love me, to stay with me, to marry me! By about the 3^rd month, he pressured me into having sex. “If you really love me, then you will give yourself to me. I love you so much, too. I just want to take care of you.” He promised. I was fifteen. I didn’t want to, and I told him I was scared and to wait, but he didn’t. I was fifteen, lost, broken, and a waste.

 

There was no going back. I knew no one would ever want me now. I was tainted, worthless, ugly, and fat. All of these were lies, of course. Lies Satan has continued to tell me for all these years. I remember he used to tell me, “No one will EVER love you like I do.” I heard these words so many times over the next few years. He dictated the clothing I wore – color, size, and type. He only “allowed” me to wear my hair a certain way. I lost my closest friends. They were evil and stupid, he had convinced me. He also accused me of being to close with my brother. I was simply a puppet on a string.

 

The physical abuse only happened for about the first year. After I became submissive, he didn’t need to use force. I obeyed. Instead, the mental games were there. Lying to me. Convincing me I was worthless. I heard things like, “You are so stupid. Shut up. If you get fat, I will leave you. It is none of your business. If you loved me, …” On and on and on I heard and believed these lies. I lived moment by moment of if only’s. When his guilt started in, he would accuse ME of cheating, lying, anything. I couldn’t go anywhere without his permission, so how could I lie? He had many girlfriends on the side. I knew he loved me so I tolerated it. He promised me we would be together forever, happy. I just kept thinking if we would just get married he would change. He would feel more confident in my love. Or if I just loved him MORE, the way he wanted it, life would be ok. Except, it was never about how much I loved him or obeyed him, it was about control, the evil inside him. I did what he wanted, I obeyed his rules. Yet, he still wasn’t satisfied.

 

Finally, after 6 years together, we were engaged. Nothing romantic, just me crying one night wondering if we were ever going to get married. Finally he said, ok, let’s get married. He hadn’t even picked out the ring. I only remember tidbits of the wedding and nothing of the honeymoon. I do remember that after we were married things still didn’t change. He didn’t change. Instead, he received more calls from girls, was gone a lot, and spent a lot of money. The control was worse. Then I got a job in Spokane, WA. I thought this was the answer. It would be the two of us and we would work everything out and live happily ever after. Wrong again. We did ok, until the day I came home and he said he was leaving me. He didn’t know, he just didn’t want to be with me. He went home to his other girlfriend, Heather. Had I not finally filed for divorce in August 1999 I think I would still be married wondering when he was going to come home. For a couple of years, he would still try to control me by calling and saying he tried to commit suicide because of me. For the first time, I realized it was a lie. I didn’t believe him anymore.

 

There you have it, my brief history. My prayer for you as you follow me on this blog is to see the promise of God – the promise He is with us always, He loves us, He protects us, He waits for us, He holds us, and He Restores us. God is the only thing that can transform the broken, scared, unhappy, depressed woman. And He has. My journey has not been easy. I didn’t start confronting these demons of my past until a little more than a year ago – 11 years AFTER the abuse ended. People ask me all the time “Why did you stay?” My answer, “Why would I leave?” I look back over the memories I do have and I see God’s loving and protecting hand present at each part of my sad and broken life. He never left me. He didn’t want me to be abused, broken, scared, fearful of dying. Kenny made really bad choices. He stepped out of God’s will and hurt God’s daughter. I have paid the price for his sin. But, through it all, the relationship I have with God, my husband now, and my closest friends makes every step worthy of pain. I wouldn’t be here, for you to read and grieve and raise your hands saying “Jesus free me! Carry me in your arms!”

 

My life revolves around the Lords. He HOLDS me by BOUNDLESS GRACE.

 

Sandra